"Of course, we intended for Cocaine energy drink to be a legal alternative the same way that celibacy is an alternative to premarital sex."
Ummm, what?
Do you know who said that? Who could possibly have no other human to sympathize with other than Osama Bin Laden?
R. Kelly, of course. People do not like child pornography connoisseurs. Duh.
What? This brilliant quote is brought to you by Jessica Simpson. At least this quote has nothing to do with tuna, wigs, or John Mayer.
Sometimes, we're amazed by the "surprises" in the news. Lindsay Lohan has issues? You're kidding. Lance Bass is gay? You don't say...
But then again, maybe we're the only ones who think this stuff is obvious. Just in case, we've prepared a list of signs that you might be in for a nasty surprise.
Don’t you just hate it when you hear a song in a commercial and it gets stuck in your head? Here’s some songs used in commercials that really annoy me.
“Don’t Cha” by the Pussycat Dolls – Heineken Light
I have always thought highly of Heineken. Until they made the "Don't Cha" commercial. This video isn't the actual commercial. It's much better. I wish it had sound
“What’s Your Flava” by Craig David – Kentucky Fried Chicken
Everything about this commercial is annoying: the dancing guy, the song, and the fact that KFC comes out with a new chicken product every other day. Such as their Famous Bowls. My stomach can combine these ingredients for me just fine. I don’t need a bowl that combines everything in it but the kitchen sink. I can't wait to see what greasy craziness is next. Who wants to eat this?
“Possibilities” by Taylor Hicks – Ford
Taylor, just because America voted you to be the American Idol last year doesn’t mean they also want to see you spasm around on a set that looks like the American Idol stage.
“Wannabe” by Spice Girls – Citigroup
This is the one where a woman is jogging while her husband drives next to her with this song blaring. Of all the songs in the world to bring back to life, why this one? I couldn't find this commercial, so here's a concert performance of "Wannabe". Posh doesn't even have a solo part. She just shimmies around a little.
Whether you're doing it to secure a boat, scale a mountain, survive the apocalypse, or bind a close adult companion, everyone should know how to tie a few basic knots. The video below is an excerpt from Vat19's own Encyclopedia of Boating Tips DVD.
The content is definitely directed to boaters, but that doesn't make the instruction any less accurate. It's like being in the Scouts for about 2 and a half minutes.
We’re not really sure why, but it seems like there’s a growing movement to put the “fun” back in funerals. Ceremonies themselves are becoming increasingly casual, and people are coming up with more creative ways to commemorate the lives of their loved ones.
Music executive Alexander Bernard Harris was celebrated with a bizarre visitation where he was viewed in his yellow Lamborghini. The recent movie “Undertaking Betty” featured Christopher Walken as a crazy Irish funeral director with a love for the extravagant. His funerals included Spock ears, levitating coffins, and musical theatre.
The most disturbing display that we’ve seen, though, is Ashes to Portraits. Instead of just leaving ashes to lie around gathering dust (can ashes gather dust??), their artist combines the cremains with oil paint to create new works of art. We agree that it can be a positive way to grieve and remember a loved one, and we agree that it’s harmless, but we can’t help feeling like it’s still very, very creepy.
Unless you're a total hermit, you will eventually be faced with a friend or co-worker who is suffering from an embarrassing problem. Depending on your relationship with the person, it may be difficult to broach the subject. We've come up with a complete guide for identifying, assessing, and dealing with the majority of embarrassing situations that you might encounter.
Step One: Problem Identification & Assessment:
Most people are embarrassed easily, but what might be embarrassing to one person may be just a typical day for another (body odor comes to mind). For that reason, we’ve come up with a pretty standard list of “issues”, along with a general scale of how embarrassing most people consider them.
1. Minor Inconveniences – Toilet paper on shoe, tag sticking out, hair out of place
2. Unpleasant – Bra strap showing, visible panty line (the VPL), deodorant marks on clothing, food on shirt
3. Cringeworthy – Food in teeth, food on face, too much perfume or cologne, “nose goblins”, LOTS of food on shirt
4. Nothing a Sick Day or Two Can’t Cure – Crack “issues”, Body Odor, Zipper Undone
5. Worth Getting a New Job, Address, and Identity – Zipper undone while going commando, curious “stains” (diet pills, anyone?)
Before taking action, you’ll want to consider a few things. First, how embarrassing is the problem? What are the consequences of NOT telling the person? Will they walk into a huge meeting with unmentionable body parts on display? Is he or she out for the evening, approaching members of the opposite sex with a grill full of spinach?
Beyond that, think about what the person in question could do to fix the problem. If the answer is “nothing”, you may want to just let it go. There’s no sense in ruining someone’s day over something they can’t change.
Finally, look out for yourself. Will the person be mad if you mention the problem? If you don’t mention it, will they know that you knew and be angry with you?
Obviously, shouting, “Hey Ignatius, didn’t anybody ever tell you that crack kills?” across your office isn’t the most delicate way to handle an embarrassing situation. If your target isn’t already alone, try to figure out a way to get them alone, or at the very least, whisper. Remember, we are trying to minimize embarrassment here, not make everyone in the general area aware of the problem.
If you’re dealing with a member of the opposite sex, take a moment to decide whether or not you’re the right person to inform them of the issue. It’s very different for a man to point out a woman’s visible panty line than for a female to do so. If nothing else, it lets that person know that you were glancing in that general area, which may not be the best message to send. We recommend that you hand the job off to someone more appropriate if it deals with a problem above the knees and below the shoulders.
When you let the target know about the problem, try to be helpful. Say things like, “I just thought you’d rather know,” “Here’s a tissue,” or “I’ll stand in front and block while you zip/adjust/etc.” If you do everything tastefully and with sensitivity, you could find yourself with a long-time ally.
Of course, if you’re dealing with unfastened zippers and/or “crack issues”, we wholeheartedly endorse the use of the Airzooka Air Cannon. We’re mean like that.
Since the majority of people are right-handed, buttons were placed on the right side (from the view of the wearer) of the shirt. The shirt was meant to be put on and buttoned up by the wearer. Men have always been extremely gifted and self-sufficient, so men dressed themselves. Back in the old old days women were dressed by servants. Therefore, the buttons on women's clothing were put on the left side since the person doing the buttoning was not the wearer. The buttons were placed on the left side (thus making it the servant's right side) to help the lowly servant. Isn't that considerate?
Writers of TV shows often get pretty creative when they decide to kill off a character. Here's a few weird ways it's been done.
Susan from Seinfeld - Susan was George Costanza's fiance that died from licking toxic glue on their wedding invitations.
Chef from South Park - Struck by lightning, falls down a ravine, impaled by a tree trunk, and then mauled by a cougar and a bear.
Andrea Moreno from Ghost Whisperer - Killed when a plane crashed on her car.
Maude Flanders from The Simpsons - Died by falling off of a grandstand at Springfield Speedway when T-shirts fired out of a cannon hit her.
At Vat19, we appreciate that there's a difference between humor for adults and humor for kids. This video would definitely fall under the first category. If you're at work or in the presence of children, we recommend that you wait until later to enjoy it.
Otherwise, pull up a chair and prepare to wallow in the filth that we call, "Words that Sound Dirty, Volume 1."
Truly smart people know that we can learn something from pretty much everyone. But what about crazy cat ladies? Here's our take:
Work With The Odds, Not Against Them - Cats are strange creatures - loving one moment, uppity the next. Cat ladies know that, and that's why they have so many. What are the odds that all 17 of their cuddly-wuddlies will be feeling aloof at the same time?
Let It Go - No self-respecting crazy cat lady would be caught working herself into a tizzy over every minor stray hair. They'd go insane (of course, one wonders if that's how they got that way in the first place...). On a broader note, though, most everyone is guilty about worrying too much over the little things. When you catch yourself doing it, just think of the crazy, hairy cat ladies. If that helps.
Agility - If you've ever wanted to become a more graceful and agile person, take a lesson from the cat ladies. Whether you have 1 cat or 100, they are bound to get under foot. It's a trial-by-fire, do-or-die kind of lesson, but if you come out of it alive...you'll be better off than if you hadn't come out of it alive.
Just because you're famous...
Just because you have a famous parent or sibling doesn't mean that you should also be famous. I'm looking at you Hogan family, Brody Jenner, and Haylie Duff. If you've ever seen an episode of House of Carters, you'll see why all siblings are not meant to be famous because there just isn't enough talent to go around.
Doctor, do you concur?
If Urgent Care opens at 8:00 AM and I am the first person to walk in when the doors open at 8:00 AM, why do I sit in the waiting room for thirty minutes? No one is in front of me, no other patients are anywhere in the building. There are five nurses/doctors just standing around talking behind the counter making sure not to make eye contact with me, the strep throat sufferer. I'm glad that as I sit there choking on my own uvula they have better things to do like talk about last night's episode of 1 vs 100.
Man-up at that bar
If you are legally of age to be in a bar, do not open your mouth and order a Bacardi Razz, Smirnoff Triple Black, Mike's Hard Lemonade, or anything similar. You are not 17 and hanging out in a basement.
Buy me some peanuts...
Who do the makers of Crunch 'n Munch think they are? They are inferior Cracker Jacks. Cracker Jacks were around for 70 years before Crunch 'n Munch. Cracker Jacks are in the lyrics to "Take Me Out To The Ballgame". They are part of America's snacking history. There's even a sailor (Sailor Jack rules) and a dog on the box. Crunch 'n Munch doesn't even have a prize inside the box. And to the makers of Cracker Jacks, your prizes are nothing to write home about, so step it up.
Self-indulgent emails
Everyone stop forwarding those "All About Me" emails. No one cares what your favorite season is, when the last time you cried was, or where you would like to go on vacation. You are at work to do your job, not write pointless facts about yourself to all your online buddies.
It is thought that the four suits came from French decks of cards. Each suit in the French deck of card represents one of the four classes. Clubs represent the peasants, diamonds represent the merchants, hearts represent the clergy, and spades represent the nobility.
If the suits were to be redone today to represent four classes of people in America, I think they might be a box, a clock, a gavel, and a key.
The box represents lower class people who are down on their luck and seem to be stuck in an unfortunate situation or who are too lazy to better themselves. Unfortunately, there are people who do nothing with their lives. We'll probably see them on a crime TV show someday.
The clock represents the working class who work a minimum of 40 hours per week and take the least amount of vacation of any other Western country. Everyone always seems to be in a hurry and have so much to do, so time is ultra important.
A gavel represents the crazy class of people who will sue anyone for anything just to get rewarded with money. Guess what parents, McDonald's didn't force you to buy your overweight child that Mighty Kids Meal.
The key represents upper class celebrities because they are pretty much given everything they want and always seem to find a way out of troublesome situations. You knowingly drink underage, drive drunk, take drugs, and commit other crimes? That's OK, you're famous, so don't worry about it.
·No downloads. (Unless your web browser is missing the appropriate plug-ins)
·Easy to learn. All of the games below are extremely easy to learn, and a few are variations on classic board games.
·Fun. No matter how simple or easy they may be, some games are just not fun (we’re looking at you, Every Second Counts.)
So without wasting any more of your time, here’s the list:
10. QWERTY Warriors – If Mavis Beacon’s typing games got you all hot and bothered, you’ll love QWERTY Warrors. You play the role of a little guy in the middle of a field as all kinds of robotic enemies advance towards you. To kill them, you type their “name” and hit Enter.
9. The Like Better Game - This is the kind of “game” that appeals to people who sit around taking personality tests and posting them to their MySpace profiles. The site shows you a series of pictures and you just click on the one you like better. Every so often, the little pink brain will light up to let you know that it knows something about you (based on your choices).
8. Word Puzzles - If you like getting headaches, you’ll love the lateral thinking and logic puzzles at Folj.com. They offer hints and solutions, so you won’t go through all that suffering without the sweet release of knowing the true answer.
7. Web Sudoku - Unlike pencil and paper version of the game, Web Sudoku has a feature called “How am I Doing?” that allows you to check your work at any time.
6. Shuffle - All you have to do with this one is use your red balls to knock off the opponents yellow balls. It’s incredibly simple and totally addictive.
5. Dice Mogul - Dice Mogul is like Monopoly with a mean streak. In addition to buying properties and adding buildings, you can get bonuses that allow you to steal properties or delete an opponent’s bonuses.
4. Sim City Classic - Unfortunately, you’ll have to register for this one. It’s worth it, though. If you grew up with computers, you’ll almost definitely feel a bit nostalgic playing the original SimCity.
3. Trivial Blitz - They supply the category, you select the boxes that fit in the category. You get more money with each selection, but you risk it all with each move.
2. BoomShine - Deceptively simple. You click the dot and it expands, setting off a chain reaction of expanding dots with each one it touches. Your goal is to include as many dots as possible in each chain reaction.
1. Quick Stack - Quick Stack is quick, simple, colorful, and highly addictive. The upside, though, is that you’ll probably get sick of in less than 20 minutes, so it won’t distract you from too much work.
Why do celebrities agree to make ridiculous commercials? Why do companies pay tons of money to have a famous face connected to their product? So that we can make fun of it on our blog, of course!
Darius Rucker from Hootie and the Blowfish – Burger King’s Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
You sang “Hold My Hand” and “Let Her Cry”, and we loved to hear you sing in the mid-90s. However, we did not love seeing you in the year 2005 wearing a cowboy costume singing about a burger in a very annoying commercial.
Joan Cusack – US Cellular
Why are you everywhere!? I don’t want to try your network for 30 days. I’d rather have 30 days without seeing a US Cellular ad.
William Shatner – Priceline.com
How could you go from being Captain Kirk on Star Trek to being the Priceline Negotiator?
Mike Ditka – Levitra
The only thing we want to see you do that is not football related is be called “the juice box guy” in Kicking and Screaming.
Fabio – I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter
What was the thought process behind Fabio being the spokesperson for a butter-like product?
You've come across the Vat19.com blog. We're dedicated to bringing you all that is curiously awesome. This means smart stuff, funny stuff, unusual stuff, and the downright ridiculous.
So, come back often and check out what curiously awesome things we've dug up.
