November 2007 Archives

On a cold and snowy winter day, if I looked out of my window and saw my neighbor pushing this thing around, I would probably pause in confusion for just a little bit (What is that thing?) and then start laughing to myself at the bizarre sight. Sometimes I have a staring problem, so I would probably continue to look at the weirdo and wonder Why is that necessary?, Where do you store that big thing?, Did someone give it to him thinking it is the best gift ever or did he buy it on purpose?, Is the Amish look in style?, Do I suck because I use a regular shovel?

The Wovel, which costs $119.95, is a snow shovel that is attached to a wheel that looks like it came off of a horse carriage or something. If you take a quick glance at it from the side it might look like someone is pushing a folded up wheelchair...through the snow. Ahh, but laugh not! The Wovel is "the world's safest snow shovel" and is doctor approved. The Wovel could save your life, as it's big wheel reduces the risk of injuring your back or having a heart attack from doing all that work.

Consumers today are bombarded nonstop with advertisements, so I fully understand that companies have to step outside of the box to grab attention. But there is a line where you cross from creative into ridiculous. Some companies do things just for the shock value. Two companies have succeeded in shocking me with their pizza "extras".

Call up Domino's in France and order yourself (and your special someone) the "Night Box". You'll get a pizza, a CD, a poster, a t-shirt, and a condom. Yes, a condom. Nothing says "romantic night in" like a greasy pizza, a horrible mixed CD, and a questionable condom. Late night thrusting is always better with a belly full of melted cheese.

I have so many issues with this. Is hot steam the best thing for thin rubber to be around? Domino's might soon be responsible for many unwanted babies in France. It's totally awkward that some teenager is hand-delivering sex supplies and food to your door. What does a CD, poster, or t-shirt have to do with anything? Why would someone want to get all this crap from Domino's?

This gimmick is an invitation for problems. It will only be a matter of time before some perve orders this Night Box and then rapes the delivery kid and as his defense claims that it was consensual because the delivery boy/girl showed up with a condom, which in some way is twisted into showing intent. On the other hand, all the delivery people will know where all the weirdos live who actually ordered this box of fun. These customers might end up with some horny pizza-delivering stalkers. The people who are allergic to latex will start whining. Is there a choice of condom material, color, and size? Can you imagine what the religious folks have to say about this?

Domino's isn't the only company to associate cheap sex with pizza. In Canada, you can order a pizza from Porno Pizza and a pornographic image is unveiled as you eat the pizza. Really? Is that what turns lonely people on? I guess getting a magazine or a DVD requires too much effort if you can just call 777-PORN and get porn on your pizza box delivered right to your door. You do have to show an ID before they'll give you the pizza. And good luck trying to be discrete. They have illuminated signs on the delivery cars. These signs would fit right in on the strip in Vegas.

The text on Porno Pizza's website is awful. I've never heard breadsticks described as "hot, throbbing" before. You have to check out the combo pizza names at Porno Pizza. I think a high schooler came up with these names. Should you order the "Mr. Big" or the "Fuzzy Taco". Tough choice.

If a condom or porn can come with pizza, there's no telling what might soon accompany other deliveries. Blow up dolls delivered with dry cleaning? Packets of cocaine delivered with the mail? Sex toys delivered with Chinese food? Bongs delivered with flower bouquets?

If you're looking for the perfect recipe to prepare for an upcoming holiday party, this isn't it.

For a meal that’s guaranteed to impress anyone with a sense of humor, however, we offer you the perfect upgrade to the standard McMeal. Each recipe features a popular McDonald’s item, along with a number of other ingredients to make things interesting.

We welcome suggestions or alterations to the recipes, as these are completely untested. If you're brave enough to try any of these concoctions, take pictures and let us know how it goes!

Chicken Nugget Phyllo Delight
Makes 12.

12 piece Chicken McNuggets
12 1” squares of swiss cheese
12 1” squares of ham
4 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1 package Phyllo Dough


1. Place 1 Chicken McNugget on each piece of Phyllo dough. Layer with ham, cheese, and approximately ¼ tablespoon of Dijon mustard.
2. Bake according to the Phyllo dough instructions.

In a time where many people are lucky to string together coherent sentences, the semicolon is almost never used correctly outside of professional publications. Many consider its correct use to be the mark of a well-educated individual, while others consider it a sign of snobbery.

For all the fuss, though, it’s actually not that difficult to master. Two simple scenarios can sum up the vast majority of acceptable uses.

1. You’re dealing with two sentences that can’t keep their hands off each other. Turning them into one long sentence doesn’t seem quite right, but you don’t want to put a period between them, either. Very often, it replaces words like but and and.

Examples:

Ethel and Floyd never talk; words are unnecessary.

Bertha eventually left her McDonald’s fry cook boyfriend for a cashier at Taco Bell; the steak taquitos were just too tempting.

2. Your commas are working overtime. The most common example of this situation is when you’re writing a list and one or more items in the list have their own commas.

Examples:

When Slash wants to impress the ladies, he puts on a mix tape with Crosby, Stills & Nash; Harry Connick, Jr.; Air Supply; and Loverboy.

As a traveling magician, The Magnificent Zoltok found it easy to simultaneously woo girlfriends in Tupelo, Mississippi; Salem, Massachusetts; and Phoenix, Arizona.

Of course, you can also use a semicolon when you’re dividing up a two-chunk sentence that’s already using commas in one of the chunks.

Examples:

Boris the Big enjoyed a satisfying meal of fresh greens, beef burgundy, and buttered bread; but when the dessert tray came out, he ordered a slice of each confection.

Katya found Alexander pompous, rude, and consistently disappointing; however, she was quite fond of his v-neck sweaters and family connections.

1.) "He also never acted like anything I was doing was weird. In one scene we did together I had no underwear on, just a shirt, and later he told me he'd been really shocked by that. But he acted, God bless him, like it was totally normal what I was doing, so that was sweet of him."

Which celebrity said that? Was it a) Tara Reid, b) Christina Ricci, or c) Jessica Simpson?

2.) "The 'male Paris Hilton' thing really upset me. Not the sexual aspect of it, because people can do whatever they want. But I'm an articulate, intelligent, thinking human being. The fact that some people consider me to be vapid and ridiculous upsets me. People make judgments about my character that they really don't know."

Which guy is a player whose talent is under appreciated? Is it a) Adam Levine, b) Colin Farrell, or c) Nick Lachey?

3.) "I kind of made up my mind I did not want to go back into the news division after watching the Anna Nicole Smith frenzy. I was just flabbergasted by that. How it was across the board, all encompassing, and I just thought to myself, this is not where I want to work."

Which lady is sick of celebrity news taking priority over "real" news? Is it a) Joan Lunden, b) Elizabeth Vargas, c) Maria Shriver?

Answers:

1.)

2.)

3.)

There will be no posts on Thursday, November 22 or Friday, November 23. Regular posts will return on Monday. Happy Thanksgiving!

Some t-shirts are funny, and other t-shirts are so painfully un-funny that they're also funny. The list below is dedicated to the latter.

10. More Cowbell - Is it a requirement that every aspiring t-shirt designer include a "more cowbell" design of some sort? Yes, the skit was funny, and yes, Christopher Walken is a god, but does the world really need another t-shirt to commemorate the clip?

9. Don't Taze Me Bro - Okay, we all knew it was coming. Unfortunately, this is just another one of those things that's going to be beaten into the ground until even the original is no longer funny (Chapelle's Rick James line, anyone?). The designer here has clearly put a lot of thought into his design, though. Note the "clever" lightning bolts over the word "taze". Genius!

During a recent brainstorming session here at Vat19, it was decided that the product videos don't provide our fearless leader, Jamie, with enough opportunities to embarrass himself on camera. And so, the Vat19 Soapbox was born.

If you're easily offended, you may want to skip this one. Otherwise, marvel at what sounds an awful lot like a Chris Rock impression around the 13 second mark. Yes, that may be the first and only time you'll ever see it attempted in a cow hat.

We all probably know someone who is a total chocolate freak who would use the lame term "chocoholic" to describe herself or himself. Some people take their love of chocolate past simple indulgence and decide to make it into every shape imaginable or by trying to put it on or in everything. What do we end up with? A collection of weird chocolate.

In the name of the Father, the milk chocolatey Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Anatomically correct = romantic

Hey, if your dress is made of chocolate, you had this coming...

Unless you’re in elementary school or have a particular penchant for puzzles, it’s probably been quite a while since you’ve tried to figure out a riddle. Of course, grown-ups need something a little more challenging than the old, “What has eyes but cannot see?” level of riddles (that’s a needle, a storm, or a potato, by the way).

Anyway, this riddle comes from The Exeter Book, and it’s roughly 1000 years old. See if you can figure it out before clicking to view the answer

Swings by his thigh / a thing most magical!
Below the belt / beneath the folds
Of his clothes it hangs / a hole in its front end,
stiff-set and stout / it swivels about.

Levelling the head / of this hanging tool,
its wielder hoists his hem / above his knee;
it is his will to fill / a well-known hole
that it fits fully / when at full length

He's oft filled it before. / Now he fills it again.

Continue for the answer...

An artist named Peter Callesen makes awesome pieces of artwork out of one piece of paper. Some are very meticulously crafted while others are simple, but all look amazing. I would love to have one of the framed ones...they are quite clever. Check out his website to see more examples.

In nearly every state of the U.S., the prison system will attempt to provide death row inmates with their choice of a last meal sometime in the day or two prior to execution. This site even attempts to collect the last requests of prisoners throughout the country, based on reports from the media.

After reading over a number of accounts, though, we've decided that your choice of last meal on death row provides valuable insights into your personality. Below, we've listed some of the most common last meal entrees, along with what that selection could mean about your overall personality.

Fried Chicken - Come on, now. Fried food? You probably haven't experienced many of the finer things in life, and your crimes are driven by money (or rather, the lack thereof). It's likely that your victims died at gunpoint.

Pizza - You killed for a reason. It wasn't a hold-up, or love gone wrong, or even a twisted desire to kill for the sake of killing. You had a reason. Maybe the victim got in your way, maybe they owed you money, or maybe they just happened to irritate you at the wrong time - but it wasn't personal. You probably used a gun. The desire for a neat and tidy crime scene stands out in stark contrast to the saucy mess of the pizza.

Burger - You're probably an alcoholic or drug user, and a violent and passionate person by nature. It's not that you don't like people, you just get angry when the people you love let you down. Really, really angry. Your victims died of blunt force trauma or your own bare hands.

Steak - You're probably a serial killer. You live alone, you hate women, and everyone around you knows you as "that weird guy". There's a good chance that you stabbed or carved up your victims. You may or may not have bizarre religious beliefs and/or delusions of grandeur.

Standard Cafeteria Meal - You're hard core. When people look into your eyes, they see nothing but emptiness. You don't flinch when people swing at your face. You've probably killed victims using all of the above methods and then some. You're not about the props, you just do what needs to be done with whatever tools you have at the time.

Am I missing anything? Feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments!

Not that I drive around raging along to "Bad Habit" by Offspring or anything, but there are some things that I encounter while driving that are really aggravating. I'm sure each of us has a driving pet peeve besides the usual complaint against rubber-necking and tailgating. Feel free to vent a little bit and leave your own driving pet peeve in the comments.

- Why do people leave their blinkers on for miles and miles? How can you not see the little arrow flashing or hear it?

- Get the stuffed animals out of your back window. And while you're at it, take the lei, tassel, Mardi Gras beads, and any other object off of your rear-view mirror.

- Stop circling up and down the same rows of parking spots or being a parking space stalker (slowly following behind people who are leaving so you can take their parking spot). Quit being lazy, park, and walk a little.

- Does anyone else laugh a little bit inside when you hear some kid floor it and his car sounds ten times louder than a lawn mower? Dude, you don't sound cool, you sound like you are about to explode.

- While your garage door is opening, you are able to pull into your driveway to wait for it. Get out of the street so that I don't also have to sit there and wait. I have several neighbors that do this, and I just don't get it.

Since our last online game post was so popular, we've decided to do it again with 10 new games. As before, we do have standards:

·No downloads. (Unless your web browser is missing the appropriate plug-ins)
·Easy to learn. All of the games below are extremely easy to learn.
·Fun. No matter how simple or easy they may be, some games are just not fun (we’re STILL looking at you, Every Second Counts.)

And so, the list...

10. Off the Rails – Just a word of warning before you get into this one - There's no way you're going to convince anyone that you're actually doing real work when you're busy slamming the left and right arrow keys like they're giving out prizes to the first guy to break his keyboard. Even still, it's kind of fun until your fingers start to hurt.

9. Balls - It's not often that a game opens by telling you that you have microscopic balls. It's really not as bad as it sounds.

8. Pile O Bubbles - This one's fun and a little different than most of the games you see floating around. I have a feeling that it might get old after a while, but it's definitely worth a few rounds. If you're prone to browser game addiction, steer clear.

10. How to Find Music that You Like: There's a reason this video has over 200,000 views, and it has nothing to do with what they're teaching.

9. How to Make a T-Skirt: Barring shipwreck on a deserted island, there is no good reason to do what this tutorial is suggesting.

Do behaviors have some sort of power? According to many professional athletes, the answer is "yes". Professional athletes are the most publicly superstitious people in the world. Some are so severely enthralled in their superstitions that I'd say they borderline suffer from OCD.

Some superstitions are subtle, such as not mentioning that a pitcher has a no-hitter going or wearing the same article of clothing you wore during a win. Other superstitions are pretty weird, some weirder than others.

13. Wayne Gretzky followed the same dressing routine and always ended it with tucking the right side of his jersey inside of his pants.

12. Bobby Madritsch would get rid of every footprint on the mound that was made by the opposing pitcher.

11. Patrick Roy would cautiously step over the red and blue lines on the way to the goalie net and would also talk to his goal posts.

Given the fact that it’s pretty much impossible to punch someone in the face over the internet, it’s not at all surprising that some of the world’s most popular websites are incredibly mean-spirited. Below, we’ve compiled a list of some of the worst.

The Cameltoe Report - Unfortunately, this one has been re-designed and it's now a much less cheesy free membership site. You can still see images like the ones below, but you'll have to sign up.

Tard Blog - Self explanatory. This one’s written by a special education teacher.

Owning a dog is both normal and common. Putting a sweater on a dog isn't exactly unusual, either. What IS strange, though, is the amount of time that went into the dogs at the SuperGroom 2007 Competition. The article is worth checking out, if only for the “Let me put the hoochy in your poochy” quote. Take a look at these photos from the event:

This dog looks like a slobbery, wagging version of Ambient Water.

Oddly enough, neither of these entries placed first. Of course, while we're on the subject, here are a few more examples of crazy animal fashion:

These Pomeranian images come from Tiny Dog Blog

The bird costumes are from Avian Fashions.

Continue below for more...

If your marriage didn't last "until death do us part", what do you do with your wedding ring that you won't be wearing anymore? Throw it in a drawer? Keep it in a memory box? Pawn it?

Another option is to give that useless wedding ring a proper farewell and bury it in a Wedding Ring Coffin. For $24.95 the coffin comes with a standard phrase on a plaque (for example, "Six feet isn't deep enough" or "Gone and Forgotten"), or for $34.95 you can customize your own plaque. I can only imaging what these divorcees want written. I'd love to know the craziest request they've received.

For most people, getting a thread through the eye of a sewing needle is difficult. They'll try and miss, then lick the thread and try and miss a couple more times.

Willard Wigan is not most people. He creates micro sculptured art that can fit inside the eye of a sewing needle and on top of a pinhead, nail, or tip of a pen. These are the tiniest sculptures I have ever seen.

It's almost unbelievable that something so small can have so much detail. But then again, if a human hair can be split 17 times, I guess the eye of a needle can offer lots of room for achievement.

Sometimes you read about how awful looks are coming back into style – skinny jeans, gauchos, even pleated jeans – but no matter how bad it gets, it could be worse. We’ve given a little thought to the matter, and we’ve decided that we’ll take a few stray pairs of skinny jeans over these vintage styles any day:

Hoop Skirts – These were skirts for an era when people figured that things like bicycles and comfortable apparel gave women too much freedom to run off and get themselves into trouble. Back then, few things were more attractive than a woman with a massive steel cage under her dress. If you had enough room to host a welterweight cage fight down below, you were HOT.

Bloomers – Named for activist Amelia Bloomer, bloomers were not well liked in the beginning. They let women ride bikes and walk around easily, which was a big fashion DON’T at the time. Eventually, though, men took a liking to saucy wenches in bloomers, brazenly baring their ankles like it was their wedding night. That turned out to be a pretty slippery slope.

Bustles – Long before Sir Mix a Lot waxed poetic about the joys of large posteriors, women were creating ample silhouettes with a little help from their seamstresses. The general idea of the bustle was to make the fullness of the front match the fullness of the back. Couple that with a corset, and it becomes pretty obvious that the Victorians weren’t as stuffy as they’re often portrayed to be.