January 2008 Archives

Everybody knows that person. That strange, broken individual who can’t stand sweets - not even his own birthday cake. Meatcakes were practically invented for that person.

Instead of using sprinkles and chocolate and sugar (all the things that make real cakes so delicious), Meatcakes are an abomination – frosted imposters filled with ground beef or turkey. Take a look at this Halloween concoction and ask yourself, “What kind of sick person would do this?”

We've all probably been watching a game show on TV and thought "I could so be on that show!" Take a step back and think about the typical contestant you see on that show. What do you see? This is what most viewers are probably thinking about you.

The Price Is Right
You would be ecstatic to win anything. And I mean anything. If you win a hideous dinette set paired with a supply of bone density vitamins, you would jump up and down in glee. There is also a very high chance that you find yourself crafty enough to make your own t-shirts.

Whammy
You have low intelligence, yet are skilled at pushing an over-sized button whenever you feel like it. You love to hear your own voice repeat the same two phrases ("Big Bucks" and "No Whammies") over and over.

Deal or No Deal
You don't mind if the producers take one of your characteristics and blow it out of proportion so that they can make themed jokes throughout the episode and make use of props. Oh, you are a pig farmer? Fantastic. We'll have some pigs next to the stage and make small town farmer jokes all evening.

Jeopardy
You are book smart, but not smart enough. If you were smarter, you would go on a show that has potential to win more. You probably have some cutesy way to write your name.

Wheel of Fortune
You are not afraid to be within feet of humans who appear not to age. You enjoy clapping for 30 minutes straight.

Family Feud
You probably don't like your family very much, but for a chance at $20,000 you are willing to introduce them with a pleasant adjective before their relation to you ("This is my lovely sister Kate, my energetic cousin Joel, my beautiful wife Sharon, and my fantastic daughter Nina"). You believe that you are able to get inside the mind of the average person.

Lingo
You are just straight up dumb.

To the users of this product I ask: If you are drinking a tall boy, are you really the type of girl that needs a prissy koozie?

Maybe women feel better about their vices if they have a cheery and stylish appearance. This polka-dot koozie should be thrown in the trash with all of the other products that are typically thought of as non-ladylike that try to look glam by adding bright colors, prints, fake bling, or something else feminine.

In the trashcan we also have:

The folksy cat lighter.

Bedazzled birth control pill box.

Leopard print cigarette case.

As if the real world isn't scary enough, therapists have devised a new way to psychologically scar children. Some propose using the anatomically correct Amamanta Family Dolls as aids for therapy, sex education, and even court testimony (nevermind the studies that have shown that anatomically dolls may have "suggestive" powers).

The most disturbing thing about the dolls is probably the fact that, while they don't have fingers (just rounded mitten hands), they do have all the grown-up parts that the rest of society has come to know and hide. The mother dolls even come with their own built in fetuses and snap-on breastfeeding capabilities. The other end of the snap is on the unborn baby's mouth.

I can't be alone in thinking that making dolls like this available to little kids is setting them up for all sorts of unhealthy playtime activities. What do you think?

You've heard of Everyone Poops? Well, this post is "Everyone Fights". People aren't the only ones who can be excessively violent with one another (although we do have certain advantages that other animals don't, like advanced reasoning skills). We give you:


1. Cat Fight: When you combine the clever intro with the cats' rapid-fire boxing techniques, you get one of the most entertaining cat fight videos I've ever come across.




2. Dog Fight: We're not fans of Michael-Vick-style dog fights. That's just sick. EPF Extreme Poodle Fight however, is quite possibly the prissiest dog fight you'll ever watch.

In the course of your own banking experiences, you've probably noticed a variety of promotions and activities designed to earn your business. Some banks offers candy to kids, some hold generous customer appreciation days, a few have saltwater fish tanks in the lobby, and still others give you free money if you sign up for a checking account.

Until recently, though, I had never seen otters used as a promotional tactic. The Union Federal Bank in Kewanee, Illinois has done exactly that, though, and we applaud their creativity. Now, before the animal activists go crazy, rest assured that the otters are housed in a safe and humane habitat (much safer than the wild, I might add). Oscar and Andy the otters enjoy a climate-controlled two-story home with waterfalls, slides, and even a solarium.

So, if you ever find yourself driving through Kewanee, Illinois, check it out. You'll find it at 104 North Tremont Street, right in the heart of the downtown.

Catalogs are not cheap to make and distribute, so one would think that only the very best products and photos would make it into a catalog. Apparently, this is not always true. Trees were killed so that households could be exposed to these photos.

The Mitten Blanket

This is such a stupid photo. I would love to watch this lady try to turn the pages of her book while wearing this thing. They could have shown her using a TV remote, snuggling, or just doing nothing. But no, they had to show her doing an activity that is not very easy to do with mittens on. Why not show her typing on her laptop?

The Double Spoon Rest

OK, this product is actually useful, but the design is a little bit...vulgar.

Cubs Win Poster

What a pointless item to buy. Sure, the Cubs may win regular-season games and even some post-season games, but when do they ever win anything significant enough to deserve a commemorative poster? Certainly not since 1908. Ha.

Portable Sauna (creepy guy attempting to be seductive not included)

What nasty little line is about to come out of Sir Sauna's mouth? Why was he told to pose with his grinning face leaning on his arm like that? Does the lady have an icy cocktail that she is delivering to the guy sitting in a hot sauna?