June 2008 Archives

Sometimes you "accidentally" end up with a hickey, someone calls you out on it, and you have some awkward explaining to do.

Despite common beliefs of promiscuous youths, you can't quickly get rid of of a hickey with a cold spoon, by combing it, or using toothpaste. Covering it up with a turtleneck or scarf is not always an option. And trying to conceal it with makeup looks atrocious.

So, you need to have a lie ready to explain the mark. If you've already used the curling iron or flat iron burn excuse, you're going to have to get more creative.

Most hickey cover-up methods only work for girls, but most of these creative hickey excuses could work whether you're a guy or a girl. You're welcome.

10. My annoying little brother repeatedly flicked me in the neck.
9. I'm glad this mysterious rash is confined to that small space, but I should probably go to the doctor.
8. I'm allergic to mosquito bites, and now it looks like this because I scratched it so much.
7. What!? I have something on my neck!? Oh my god, what does it look like!?
6. I got shot in the neck with a paintball gun.
5. My friends and I were reenacting the leech scene from Stand By Me.
4. I borrowed my friend's car and the seatbelt chaffed me.
3. I scraped my neck on the edge of the pool/hot tub.
2. I fainted and the EMT was very aggressive when taking my pulse via my neck.
1. I babysat a breastfeeding baby and it got really confused.

I cannot guarantee the success of these hickey explanations. That would depend on the number and severity of the hickey(s), your acting skills, and the gullibility of the person you are trying to lie to. Some of these excuses have a 100% success rate, but keep in mind that this is because you cannot be brazen enough to try and use one of these hickey excuses more than one time on the same person. Consider yourself lucky to pull off one of these even once!

Having grown up in rural southern Illinois, and having seen every season of the incredibly disgusting yet ultimately hilarious show, Trailer Park Boys, I consider myself to be something of an expert on trailer park style. It's only in recent years, though, that trailer parks have started to become almost cool, in a sketchy sort of way.

Hipsters all over the country have embraced things like PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon) and pink flamingos as if to say, "I'm so cool that I've gone all the way around the "cool spectrum" and come out on the other end." In terms of pretentiousness, they're somewhere just above hard-core Mac fanboys and just below people who pronounce "vase" by saying "vahhz".

It recently came to my attention that these hipsters have created a "Trailer Park Lounge" in New York.

Unfortunately, they completely missed the mark. As you can see above, the place is basically a warehouse of tiki bar cast-offs and retro kitsch. With the possible exception of the toilet planter, it really doesn't look much like a trailer park. For that reason, I've decided to put together a true guide to trailer park style, designed for those who strive for a bit of tacky without actually packing up and moving to the park.

Rule #1: That which is inside should be placed outside, and that which is outside should enter the home. To achieve an authentic trailer park look, you must apply this rule to at least one item from the inside and one item from the outside. The most common, of course, would be a couch on the lawn or the patio furniture inside the home. Refer to the pictures below for examples:

I'm sure we've all had a coach that was a nightmare to look at, whether it was the clothes, body type, accessories, equipment, or hair. Behold these examples of unfashionable coaching.

Classic, tight coaches shorts

What tacky coach hasn't sported a pair of these tight (not as in "awesome") shorts? These are the coach equivalent to cheerleaders and their Soffe shorts. Since they are available in pretty much every color of the rainbow, Coach McTightshorts can have a pair no matter what his team colors. How can players concentrate when faced with all of the bulges that result from wearing something so tight and unforgiving? He might as well say, "OK, team, huddle up. As you can see, I hang to the left. Now let's get out there and win this game."

Lanyards and whistles

No one cares for the sound of a whistle, especially when it is coming from a coach who is blowing angrily at you. I had a soccer coach who was overweight and he'd blow the whistle so hard you'd think one of those blows would be the last exhale to escape from the strained lungs inside of his obese body. Be a man, lose the whistle, and use your authoritative voice. Unless you want to be the traffic cop of the field, stop using a whistle.

Tall socks

Unless you are actually playing the sport, you shouldn't wear tall athletic socks. It looks like you are stuck in the 70's and will give you a terrible farmer's tan. On a previous post about butt cleavage, I received an unhappy comment about using the term "plumber's crack". Before anyone leaves a hate comment about the usage of "farmer's tan", I would just like to state that that is what it is called. No disrespect to farmers. If there is some other politically correct term for it out there, feel free to leave a comment and let me know.

Sunglasses with colorful reflective lenses

How hoosier are these sunglasses? The wearer of these should have cut-off jean shorts, a mustache, and a Yosemite Sam tattoo. There are plenty of athletic sunglasses out there to choose from, so why choose these uglies? Maybe some coaches don't like it when people can see their eyes. That way they can watch the cheerleaders instead of keeping their eyes on the game and no one would be able to notice. Gross.

Wearing the team uniform if you are fat and out of shape

Let's be real. Who wants to take athletic advice from a fat guy? They can talk stats, strategy, history, or whatever as much as they want, but the second they start talking about anything revolving around health and gaining athletic ability I would stop listening. Sorry Lou, that uniform isn't doing anything for you. Pass that on to your colleague Charlie Manuel from the Phillies. Looks like pinstripes aren't as slimming as they say.

While most of us are thrilled with a simple pillow-top mattress or memory foam slab on a basic frame, there are always those who feel the need to be a little different. Below, we've found a variety of unusual beds for those who crave a unique sleeping experience.

The Private Cloud Bed: Without the stabilizers, this would definitely make an interesting sleeping experience.

The Feel Sofa / Bed: This unusual bed looks like it has the potential to be extremely comfortable.

The Atman Spiritual Bed: If I were another bed, I would definitely not be attracted to this bed. The loud and garish colors make me wonder why anyone considers this a "spiritual" place of rest.

Hopefully all of you readers love your dad and want to give him something awesome for Father's Day that he will like and actually use. But, if you aren't so fond of Pops, buy him one of these gifts and you won't even have to say "I hate you, Dad"....the crappy present will say it for you.

Bottle of Brut (or any other cheap cologne)

If you dislike your dad and want him to smell like and old man who shops at Walgreens, go ahead and buy him a bottle of the classic green stuff. Hey, no one said all classics are good. If your dad actually likes and wears Brut in the year 2008, then your gift will not be considered bad. Proceed on down this list.

Anything that says "#1 Dad" or "World's Greatest Dad" on it

Dad's do not want to wear anything this cheesy. And no man wants to carry around a wussy canvas tote bag with camo writing. If you're the type of guy that likes camo, I doubt you also like tote bags. Unless you are are under the age of 7, giving your dad a gift like this is a blatant way of saying you put zero thought into his gift and have no regard for his style. Hopefully this shirt isn't a step up from your dad's current style.

The Uro Club

Yes, friends, the Uro Club is a golf club that you pee in. Call me old fashioned, but I'm not going to freak out if a golfer walks to the edge of the green and pees in the woods. I'd rather have that happen than a guy hooking a towel to his belt loops as a privacy screen and just brazenly standing there in the wide open. What golfer holds a towel like that over his club? This is in no way discreet. Lose the towel, and the stance looks normal. But, the towel can't exactly be eliminated. I hope the cap is ultra leak-proof since golf clubs are stored upside down. Give your dad one of these, and he'll be wishing he never played a part in your existence.

A tacky tie

Nothing says "I don't have the slightest care in the world" like a gift that is intentionally tacky. If you give Dad a flamboyant themed tie, be prepared for him to strangle you with it. Although the silly-tie-as-a-present gig is totally played out, do it if you must in order to anger your dad.

Mini guitar MP3 player on a lanyard

You could trick Dad into thinking this uRock Guitar MP3 Player is actually cool. With the success of Guitar Hero, Rock Band, and the appearance of contestants with guitars on the 2008 season of American Idol, guitars are having a pretty great year. Make him look like an idiot when he wears the mini guitar (available with flames on it) around his neck with the included lanyard. Rocking out while on the move has never looked so lame.

Obviously, not everyone can compete for the "cool" Guinness World Records like "World's Tallest Man", "Longest Fingernails", or "Oldest Male Stripper". Fortunately, the Guinness Book is a thick one, and there's plenty of room for lesser record-seekers like the ones below.

Most Tango Spins in One Minute - Tim Ferriss, the dashing, world-traveling author of the New York Times Bestseller, The Four Hour Work Week:

Sword-Swallowing a Jackhammer - I'm not sure how you wake up one day and decide that you need to swallow a jackhammer, but this guy pulls it off. Bonus points for the fact that he looks like he just stepped out of a bizarre RPG (that's role-playing game for those of you who don't speak geek).

And Fastest Accordion Playing - I'm not sure if this one's been made official, but I do love accordion music...







Ever wanted to set a record of your own? This video explains how you can do it:

I will openly admit that I have a really nice bike that has been sitting in my garage since Christmas 2006. It's been up and down my street once. Unfortunately, I don't get that many opportunities to ride my bike (I also use too hot or too cold weather as an excuse!) and I definitely cannot bike to work.

But if I could bike to work and it happened to be raining that day, I would not throw on the Hands Free Cockpit Umbrella and get pedaling. Either all of me is getting soaked or none of me is getting soaked.

Is someone seriously paying $60 for this thing? If you or someone you know has wasted money on this product, please leave a comment and explain why.

It is keeping your hair, head, and shoulders dry, but what about the rest of your body? You can't show up to work soaking wet. Well, unless you are a lifeguard. And seeing how most suits are dry clean only, this thing should be covering the entire bike and also have something to prevent gross rainwater from splashing up from the ground.

If they had an athlete modeling this product, I could tolerate it a tiny bit more. Who cares if spandex gets wet? But a suit is absurd. This is just another example of a horrible catalog photo.

Why only show a cyclist? Why not a pedestrian walking? Or someone at a bus stop? A skateboarder? Why only sport this catastrophe while on a bike?

Why are only the back panels black? Why aren't all of them clear? Or why couldn't they have them be white so they blend in a little better? Or since the wearer is already looking like a total douchebag idiot, why not offer them in crazy patterns and colors? Apparently these black panels are made of breathable fabric. You can't have humidity in there fogging up your view!

Here's an interesting feature: a "rubber grip pops open the cockpit at the push of a button". Uh, can we say "Go Go Gadget Hands Free Cockpit Umbrella!" Ooooo, and it comes with a carrying case! While waiting for it to dry off do people carry this thing around all proud like some bikers do with their helmets?

Maybe they'll come out with a hard, durable version for motorcyclists in time for Christmas. I'm sure bikers would love to wear this. I think I would pay money to see a group of Harley riders all wearing the Hands Free Cockpit Umbrella.

Given the importance of appearances in modern society, I can understand why people might go to great lengths to maximize their looks for as long as possible. At the same time, some people take it just a little bit too far.

Lately, women in New York have been spending over $200 for bird poop facials at the Shizuka New York Salon. Apparently, the guanine in the feces helps to even out skin tone, remove impurities, and unclog pores. While the nightingale droppings they use are sterilized and powdered, I won't be joining their waitlist any time soon.

On the other hand, if you'd like to have a bird poop facial but can't afford the $216/session fee, you can purchase your own bird droppings for a mere $17.99 here.

I have to wonder, though - Do other types of birds have guanine in their feces, too? If so, I'm going to start harvesting my parrots' poop and open my own salon.