July 2008 Archives

photo credit: puroticorico

Since everyone enjoyed the last dirty riddle so much, let's take a look at another from those filthy-minded Anglo Saxons. Like the last riddle, this one also comes from the 1000 year old Book of Exeter. The book itself was a sizable collection of Old English poetry, most of which was considerably less "mature" than what you'll read here.

I am a wondrous creature: to women a thing of joyful expectancy,
to close-lying companions serviceable. I harm no
city-dweller excepting my slayer alone.
My stem is erect and tall, I stand up in bed,
and whiskery somewhere down below.
Sometimes a countryman's quiet comely daughter will venture,
bumptious girl, to get a grip on me. She assaults my red self
and seizes my head and clenches me in a cramped place.
She will soon feel the effect of her encounter with me,
this curly-locked woman who squeezes me. Her eye will be wet.

Continue below for the answer...











An onion.

What is Liquid ASS? According to their website, it is a "power-packed, super-concentrated liquid [that] begins to evaporate filling the air with a genuine, foul butt-crack smell with hints of dead animal and fresh poo." By the way, I'm not capitalizing the ASS for no reason; that's how they do it.

When I first saw Liquid ASS, I didn't think people were actually buying this and that if they were that they'd be high school kids spraying the stuff in class.

I was totally wrong. There are a few videos posted on their website, and all of them are from adults. As immature and gross as it is, it would be really funny to spray this stuff and watch people have disgusted reactions.

I've never smelled it, but apparently it is incredibly gross. Even though I know it will make me gag, I want to smell it to see just how bad it is.

Here's a video from a guy who gets a bunch of Liquid ASS and sprays it around the bathroom at his office. Two of his co-workers end up gagging over a toilet because it smells so awful! I think it'd be funnier if he would just let people discover the stench on their own rather than prompting them, but it's still kind of funny.

If you want more where that came from, check out his YouTube channel. I don't even think this guy works for or sells Liquid ASS, and yet he spends all of this time video taping his Liquid ASS pranks! That's quite a devoted customer.

The guys at Liquid ASSets Novelties will send you 25 free bottles of this stuff if you send them a video and they post it. Seeing how Vat19 has awesome video skills, I'm pretty sure we could earn the free bottles. However, with all of the new product videos we've been adding I don't think we have time for prank videos. Boo hoo.

It's important for people to have creative outlets. Whether you play an instrument, write novels, or create works of art, the creative process can have tremendous benefits on your overall health and happiness. I love to see people who are actively involved in a creative hobby that gives them pleasure.

What follows is a showcase of the works you won't see on the auction block at Sotheby's any time soon - or even the pages of the Martha Stewart Magazine, for that matter. Instead of looking at the kind of pieces that make people "ooh" and "ahh", we're going to look at the pieces that typically find their way to flea markets, dilapidated country homes, and possibly even landfills.

If you have an "unconventional" sense of style, this is your lucky day.

1. The Skunk Pet Rock - This is going to flip the entire pet rock industry on its head.

2. Red Witch Doll - This one is bound to be the holiday season's hottest gift.

3. Love Pads - Because getting busy will be the first thing on everyone's mind when someone is wearing these...?

We've all probably seen interesting products that open alcohol, such as hats, belt buckles, and sandals that have bottle openers. This summer, take it up a notch and get something that can store and conceal your alcohol. And no, I'm not talking about a traditional flask that can fit in your pocket.

You might be wondering where or why you would need to use any of the products I'm about to mention. Let me tell you a true story.

I know someone who purchased a large bottle of water, dumped it out, filled it up with vodka and Sprite and then re-sealed the bottle cap with super glue. Where did this happen? At an outdoor concert venue with security sweeps at the entrance. Why did this happen? An unwillingness to pay $9.00 per beer.

If this person would've had one of these products, the hassle and taste of super glue could've been avoided.

Flask Flip Flops

These flip flops from Reef have a flask (or "canteen" as they call it) and a bottle opener. I can deal with the bottle opener on a shoe because maybe the glass part won't actually come into contact with the shoe. I don't think I'm willing to drink anything dispensed from a shoe. It would be hot since it's been walked on all day and it might taste like plastic, not to mention dealing with the fact that it came out of a germy sandal. Smuggling a couple shots can't be worth this.

Seat Cushion Flask

The Seat Cushion Flask (it also has a cutesy name, Sippin' Seat) actually makes sense. You don't have to wear it and it isn't very gross. Sporting events are notorious for having overpriced beverages. You might have to pay $5.00 for a bottle of Coke, but you'll be adding that Jack for free!

Beer Belly Fatso Flask

How desperate are you if you'd rather strap on a big fat belly and carry around extra unattractive "weight" than pay for alcohol? Do you just get skinnier and skinnier throughout the day as you drink the contents of your strap-on belly flask? The Beer Belly stupid and I'll leave it at that.

As much as people like to make fun of Bollywood movies for all the random singing and dancing, it's not like American movies are completely free of dance scenes. Below, I've compiled the top 50 movie dance scenes, based on my own entirely subjective evaluation (which should be obvious when you see the Labyrinth in the top 5).

Enjoy the videos, and feel free to add your favorites in the comments. I'm sure I missed plenty of good ones!

1. Singin' in the Rain: The fact that this scene is so highly recognizable, even decades later, should be all the evidence needed to give it number one.

2. Stormy Weather: Fred Astaire called it "the greatest dance number ever filmed". We think he was just being modest.

3.The Labyrinth: This may not have the most conventional appeal, but anyone who can pull off that hair, and that outfit, with those gnarled little puppets deserves a mention.

"Woohoo! The cargo plane full of condoms is here!"

Photo source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/designnerd/358863713/

Apparently, researchers on Antarctica have protected sex about every 3 days.

Well, the article didn't exactly say that, but it did say that 16,500 condoms were delivered as a year's supply for the 125 scientists.

Oh yes, I did the math:

The condoms are available at no charge. That's a nice yearly savings, but I don't know if that is enough compensation for having to spend an entire freezing winter in constant darkness being stuck with the same group of people.

Actually, since both partners would be from the group of 125 people, it could be more often since they'd each have 132 condoms for the year. With 264 condoms per year, we're looking at almost every day. After all, there is a lack of outdoor activities and sunlight. They have to find someone something to do!

Few people will have the opportunity to have sex in Antarctica, and even fewer will have a chance to have sex in outer space. NASA definitely doesn't kiss-and-tell; they won't say whether this has or has not happened.

There's been speculation for decades about astronauts having sex while on missions. Thanks to Space Weddings, it could be a confirmed occurrence as soon as 2011. For $2.3 million, couples can get married in outer space. If it's your wedding night, it's part of your honeymoon, and you're spending that kind of money, I think there is a good chance a couple would go for it.

You have about 3 years to wait for a sex in outer space update...unless an astronaut sex tape gets leaked.

photo credit: Christina Snyder

A while back, I came across a blog where the author called herself an "occasional vegetarian". This struck me as one of the stupidest things she could have possibly said. Guess what? I'm an occasional vegetarian, too - like yesterday, when I was a vegetarian for the 7 hour stretch between the sausage I had for breakfast and the hamburger I had at lunch.

This prompted me to think about similarly ridiculous phrases and oxymora (that's the plural of oxymoron)...

No offense...: Anyone who's ever used or heard this one knows it's nearly always used immediately before the speaker says something offensive. If you know it's potentially offensive and you say it anyway, this doesn't get you off the hook.

Keep It Simple, Stupid: It's not that it doesn't make sense - it does. The problem is that every person I've ever encountered using this expression says it in a way that's just begging for a solid punch in return.

Found Missing: How does that even happen?

And finally, this expression isn't stupid at all. It actually conjures up a very strong mental image...

...Face like a dropped meat pie: Yeah, that's pretty ugly.

It seems so simple: buy ticket, sit down, watch movie. Wrong, wrong, wrong. There are many things that can ruin a trip to the movie theater.

Let me begin my list of movie theater grievances with a true story.

When Jarhead came out, I saw it on a megascreen and it was packed. It wasn't possible to leave an empty seat between the people you weren't with. So, some guy was sitting to my left and my boyfriend was to my right. During a silent part of the action movie, he slurps on his empty soda and begins choking because he's attempting to suck up nothing. How can he not know the liquid level? If you are sucking and you aren't getting anything, why would you continue to suck harder? Why would you wait until one of the few quiet parts in a movie full of loud explosions to do this? Serves him right. I tried like hell to hold in my laughter, but couldn't take it anymore. So I'm sitting there laughing at a choking man during a war movie. It became one of those situations where the more you try to stop laughing the more you laugh. Then my boyfriend starts to laugh because he also heard all of this. I'm sure everyone around hated us, but in all fairness, it wasn't our fault.

What is the lesson? Do not attempt to suck up anything through a straw if there isn't any liquid left in the cup. You will probably choke and make yourself look like an idiot. Follow this rule no matter where you are.

10 other things that are annoying at the movie theater:

1. Loud snackers - Stop trying to quietly open your Twizzlers by doing it slowly. You are only making your noise last longer. Give it one quick pull open and be done with it.

2. Cell phone users - This one is obvious, but without fail there is always that one rude person who leaves their phone on. Get over yourself. The world can handle not talking to you for 90 minutes.

3. Kickers - Do not kick the back of my chair. There is no reason for your feet to be out of control while sitting in a movie.

4. Armrest bandits - Don't try to steal my armrest if I was using it first. Finders keepers. And no, we cannot share it. I'm not into rubbing elbows with strangers.

That's right, this is a picnic set made out of LEGOs. Most of us probably played with LEGO blocks as a kid. Building a simple house was a pretty cool achievement, and completing one of the special themed kits was even cooler. However, those kits came with step-by-step instructions, so every kid with that kit was doing the same thing as you.

These examples of LEGO art definitely are not what every kid is building. Heck, most adults probably wouldn't even be able to build such realistic and complicated structures.

For more LEGO art, visit the site of Nathan Sawaya. He's the creator of some of the best pieces of LEGO art I've seen. Pencils, baseball and LEGOville Slugger, candy canes, heads, flowers, etc. You name it, I bet he could make if out of LEGO blocks. Genius.



If you don't have the time or skill to make a LEGO masterpiece of your own, there is a company that will do it for you. Brickworkz will take a photo you send in and make a LEGO mosaic out of it. The mosaics can be black and white or color. Either way, they are totally awesome. Who wouldn't love a one-of-a-kind mosaic made entirely out of LEGOs!?


Check out these creative LEGO ads.

If you've ever dared to venture beyond the normal magazines like Good Housekeeping, Cosmopolitan, and Time, you probably realize that there are literally thousands of magazines in print. Some are good, some are decidedly not good, and others...well, just take a look.

10. Geez: Holy Mischief in an Era of Fast Faith - This magazine claims to have "set up camp in the outback of the spiritual commons." I don't know what the heck that's suppose to mean, but I do know that these people really, really like dashes. A couple of quotes from their homepage...

"...A bustling spot for the over-churched, out-churched, un-churched and maybe even the un-churchable."

"...it's time we untangle the narrative of faith from the fundamentalists, pious self-helpers and religio-profiteers."

"...A place for wannabe contemplatives, front-line world-changers and restless cranks."

If there were an award for best use of a toilet on the cover of a magazine, though, they'd be strong contenders.

9. American Coin Op Magazine - This trade publication is dedicated to serving the needs of coin-operated laundromat owners. It makes me wonder if there's a magazine for people who own those little perfume and adult novelty machines in gas station bathrooms...there are an awful lot of those around, too.

8. Fate - There's no better way to stay up-to-date on ghosts, monsters, and local legends like Bigfoot and Nessie. There's also no better way to ensure that your postal worker thinks you're completely insane.

7. High Times - Potheads everywhere love High Times, but I've always wondered what percentage of this magazine's copies get delivered to college towns and trailer parks. I'd be willing to bet it's high. Yes, I went there.