Recently in Curiously Awful Category

Just about every day you can hear or read about a study saying how childhood obesity is on the rise, kids don't get enough exercise, and how Americans are viewed as lazy by the rest of the world. Well, could it possibly be because of worthless products like these that promote laziness? Technology and automation is great in most cases, but human brain power should really be used for things more important than figuring out how to avoid stirring your own chocolate milk.

Automatic Sucker Spinners

How in the world is twirling a sucker in your mouth so strenuous that a battery-powered sucker spinner is needed!? Ridiculous! Besides, when you press the sucker too hard against the roof of your mouth or tongue, it stops spinning. Even if it did work well, it would still be a waste of money. If you can't turn your own lollipop, then you don't deserve to have a lollipop to begin with!

Microwave S'mores Maker

Someone must have been completely off their rocker when this was invented. As if making s'mores in the microwave isn't lazy enough already, this little s'mores maker will set the graham cracker on top for you. Place your graham cracker on the arms and then lower the arms down on top of the marshmallow. Right, because it is soooo difficult to place a graham cracker on top yourself. The arms can also hold down the graham cracker on top of the marshmallow in case squeezing the s'more together is too strenuous for you.

On a recent peruse around the Internet, I came across something I thought I'd never in my life see: A Fart Pad. Or if you want to be PC about it, Subtle Butt: Disposable Gas Neutralizer. It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. According to its seller, it "effectively filters the odor caused by flatulence; Simply stick it in the right place and you're ready for a chili cook-off".

Do I think it's ridiculous? Yes! Do I know someone(s) who could use one (or thousands)? Yes, again! Just within my immediate family, I can count two gentlemen who can clear a room with just one blow. Seriously, I'm talking barf-inducing kind of gas.

Another man, who goes by the name Jose Cruz, may also have a necessity for some Subtle Butt. If this young lad had only inserted one of these bad boys in his trousers before going out for a night of drinking, maybe he wouldn't be facing an additional charge along with his DUI.

Hear the story yourself:

Fart Pads. Who woulda thunk it? But then again, who would have thought you could get charged with BATTERY for farting?

Officer Fart-Face (what he might of said): "How dare you break wind before me?"
Jose Cruz (what he should have said): "Excuse me, Officer. But whoever smelt it, dealt it!"

Right?!

Giant-sized stuff can be really cool, such as a Jumbo Lighter or a Giant Wine Glass. Other giant things are stupid, ugly, and useless to most human beings. I mean, when was the last time you needed or wanted a giant corn on the cob hat? Even if it was Halloween, having a corn cob on your head still doesn't make much sense. These hats aren't full costumes, so when will these be worn!?

Giant Ice Cream Cone Hat

As if this kid doesn't look ridiculous enough with an upside down giant ice cream cone hat, the photographer decided to have him make a silly face like he's trying to lick the fake ice cream that sits atop his head. I imagine if you are in the market for a hat like this you probably don't care what the hat model looks like.

Giant Lobster Hat

This giant lobster hat reminds me of the scene in My Best Friend's Wedding where the entire family is singing "I Say a Little Prayer for You" and there is a guy with lobster claws in the background. Unless you work at a seafood restaurant that went crazy on the themed uniforms, you shouldn't own this hat or even want to.

"Mink Hershey Kiss Hat 1950s"

While looking for a giant chocolate hat, I came across an eBay listing for the little gem you see above. This is a vintage mink fur hat that supposedly resembles a Hershey Kiss. Act quickly, as the Buy It Now price is a mere $79.00. Not to get all PETA on you guys on anything, but how many minks died to make this hideous hat that looks more like a pile of mink poo than a hat? Unfortunately, no photos were found of a human wearing this.

Giant Corn on the Cob Hat

Will someone please tell me when you would wear this hat? Even the store selling this hat struggled to come up with examples of when it would be used! What backwoods haystack did this "model" crawl out of? I guess they figured with a product this awful, the person modeling it couldn't make things any worse. They were wrong.

Giant Hot Dog Hat

There's nothing like a seeing a guy with a giant hot dog hat on his head and a smirk on his face. It would be in good taste to not have the commentary on this one go on any further.

Giant Cheese Wedge Hat

Of course I can't forget about the popular Giant Cheese Hat! I'm not a Packers fan, and even if I was, I still don't think I would wear one of these. But for the superfans that sport the cheese wedge hat, good for you for caring about showing your team spirit more than you care about not looking stupid.

Giant Birthday Cake Hat

If you bought this Giant Birthday Cake Hat for yourself, you deserve to get slapped. If someone bought you this hat as your birthday gift, they deserve to get slapped. No matter how you acquired this ridiculous hat, someone deserves to get slapped.

Earlier this year, Vat19.com/blog brought you a list of Ridiculous Catalog Photos. We are back with more awful catalog photos, just in time for Valentine's Day. All we can say is that what some people think is sexy, others might find sleazy.

The Pole Dancing Kit

This photo is so awful, its good. The clear stripper heels, the tattoo on the ankle, the red feather boa on the ground. Good news fellas, this stripper pole can support up to 300 pounds! Delightful.

The "Naughty Knot"

Impressive. She knows how to loop, swoop, and pull. Did she steal this giant bow from the Lexus Christmas commercials?

Crazy Cluck Chicken

You have to choke the Crazy Cluck Chicken in order to make it sing and dance. Really? Would it have been too un-perverted to simply squeeze its beak or belly?

It's officially back to school time, and all of the stores are pushing their dorm room gear. Most of the "dorm stuff" you will see is way too themed and hippie-inspired to be in the room of a college student who owns and can actually use the product below.

"Turning on the red light" is literally coming to a campus near you. Can you imagine seeing this red "Sex in Progress" lamp lit up while walking down the hallway or street? I can't decide if this is promiscuously funny or tragically lame. I think I'd want to laugh, but I would have to refrain because I'll know that a major douchebag (and probably a desperate, easy freshman girl) is just behind the door.

In college, it is still funny to know (or be made to think) that people are getting it on. Freshman with their first taste of freedom, think it's super cool to be broadcast it to every passerby. With this lamp, a large crowd is practically being invited to wait for and witness "the walk of shame".

No matter how blatantly tacky the Sex in Progress lamp is, it's a modern upgrade to the scarf tied around the doorknob a la Dirty Dancing. Besides, seeing how it's the 21st century and all, most doors have locks on them, thus there's no need for the ol' scarf. Naive people might not know what a scarf around a doorknob means, but it would be pretty difficult to mistake what "Sex in Progress" means.

Who are the people buying and using this lamp? How serious is the purchaser taking it? Is it like, "Hey babe, wait a sec, I gotta turn this lamp on"? Afterwards, do you have to immediately update your status and turn off the lamp? I really wouldn't doubt it seeing how obsessed people are with constantly updating Twitter and MySpace.

What is Liquid ASS? According to their website, it is a "power-packed, super-concentrated liquid [that] begins to evaporate filling the air with a genuine, foul butt-crack smell with hints of dead animal and fresh poo." By the way, I'm not capitalizing the ASS for no reason; that's how they do it.

When I first saw Liquid ASS, I didn't think people were actually buying this and that if they were that they'd be high school kids spraying the stuff in class.

I was totally wrong. There are a few videos posted on their website, and all of them are from adults. As immature and gross as it is, it would be really funny to spray this stuff and watch people have disgusted reactions.

I've never smelled it, but apparently it is incredibly gross. Even though I know it will make me gag, I want to smell it to see just how bad it is.

Here's a video from a guy who gets a bunch of Liquid ASS and sprays it around the bathroom at his office. Two of his co-workers end up gagging over a toilet because it smells so awful! I think it'd be funnier if he would just let people discover the stench on their own rather than prompting them, but it's still kind of funny.

If you want more where that came from, check out his YouTube channel. I don't even think this guy works for or sells Liquid ASS, and yet he spends all of this time video taping his Liquid ASS pranks! That's quite a devoted customer.

The guys at Liquid ASSets Novelties will send you 25 free bottles of this stuff if you send them a video and they post it. Seeing how Vat19 has awesome video skills, I'm pretty sure we could earn the free bottles. However, with all of the new product videos we've been adding I don't think we have time for prank videos. Boo hoo.

photo credit: Christina Snyder

A while back, I came across a blog where the author called herself an "occasional vegetarian". This struck me as one of the stupidest things she could have possibly said. Guess what? I'm an occasional vegetarian, too - like yesterday, when I was a vegetarian for the 7 hour stretch between the sausage I had for breakfast and the hamburger I had at lunch.

This prompted me to think about similarly ridiculous phrases and oxymora (that's the plural of oxymoron)...

No offense...: Anyone who's ever used or heard this one knows it's nearly always used immediately before the speaker says something offensive. If you know it's potentially offensive and you say it anyway, this doesn't get you off the hook.

Keep It Simple, Stupid: It's not that it doesn't make sense - it does. The problem is that every person I've ever encountered using this expression says it in a way that's just begging for a solid punch in return.

Found Missing: How does that even happen?

And finally, this expression isn't stupid at all. It actually conjures up a very strong mental image...

...Face like a dropped meat pie: Yeah, that's pretty ugly.

Hopefully all of you readers love your dad and want to give him something awesome for Father's Day that he will like and actually use. But, if you aren't so fond of Pops, buy him one of these gifts and you won't even have to say "I hate you, Dad"....the crappy present will say it for you.

Bottle of Brut (or any other cheap cologne)

If you dislike your dad and want him to smell like and old man who shops at Walgreens, go ahead and buy him a bottle of the classic green stuff. Hey, no one said all classics are good. If your dad actually likes and wears Brut in the year 2008, then your gift will not be considered bad. Proceed on down this list.

Anything that says "#1 Dad" or "World's Greatest Dad" on it

Dad's do not want to wear anything this cheesy. And no man wants to carry around a wussy canvas tote bag with camo writing. If you're the type of guy that likes camo, I doubt you also like tote bags. Unless you are are under the age of 7, giving your dad a gift like this is a blatant way of saying you put zero thought into his gift and have no regard for his style. Hopefully this shirt isn't a step up from your dad's current style.

The Uro Club

Yes, friends, the Uro Club is a golf club that you pee in. Call me old fashioned, but I'm not going to freak out if a golfer walks to the edge of the green and pees in the woods. I'd rather have that happen than a guy hooking a towel to his belt loops as a privacy screen and just brazenly standing there in the wide open. What golfer holds a towel like that over his club? This is in no way discreet. Lose the towel, and the stance looks normal. But, the towel can't exactly be eliminated. I hope the cap is ultra leak-proof since golf clubs are stored upside down. Give your dad one of these, and he'll be wishing he never played a part in your existence.

A tacky tie

Nothing says "I don't have the slightest care in the world" like a gift that is intentionally tacky. If you give Dad a flamboyant themed tie, be prepared for him to strangle you with it. Although the silly-tie-as-a-present gig is totally played out, do it if you must in order to anger your dad.

Mini guitar MP3 player on a lanyard

You could trick Dad into thinking this uRock Guitar MP3 Player is actually cool. With the success of Guitar Hero, Rock Band, and the appearance of contestants with guitars on the 2008 season of American Idol, guitars are having a pretty great year. Make him look like an idiot when he wears the mini guitar (available with flames on it) around his neck with the included lanyard. Rocking out while on the move has never looked so lame.

I will openly admit that I have a really nice bike that has been sitting in my garage since Christmas 2006. It's been up and down my street once. Unfortunately, I don't get that many opportunities to ride my bike (I also use too hot or too cold weather as an excuse!) and I definitely cannot bike to work.

But if I could bike to work and it happened to be raining that day, I would not throw on the Hands Free Cockpit Umbrella and get pedaling. Either all of me is getting soaked or none of me is getting soaked.

Is someone seriously paying $60 for this thing? If you or someone you know has wasted money on this product, please leave a comment and explain why.

It is keeping your hair, head, and shoulders dry, but what about the rest of your body? You can't show up to work soaking wet. Well, unless you are a lifeguard. And seeing how most suits are dry clean only, this thing should be covering the entire bike and also have something to prevent gross rainwater from splashing up from the ground.

If they had an athlete modeling this product, I could tolerate it a tiny bit more. Who cares if spandex gets wet? But a suit is absurd. This is just another example of a horrible catalog photo.

Why only show a cyclist? Why not a pedestrian walking? Or someone at a bus stop? A skateboarder? Why only sport this catastrophe while on a bike?

Why are only the back panels black? Why aren't all of them clear? Or why couldn't they have them be white so they blend in a little better? Or since the wearer is already looking like a total douchebag idiot, why not offer them in crazy patterns and colors? Apparently these black panels are made of breathable fabric. You can't have humidity in there fogging up your view!

Here's an interesting feature: a "rubber grip pops open the cockpit at the push of a button". Uh, can we say "Go Go Gadget Hands Free Cockpit Umbrella!" Ooooo, and it comes with a carrying case! While waiting for it to dry off do people carry this thing around all proud like some bikers do with their helmets?

Maybe they'll come out with a hard, durable version for motorcyclists in time for Christmas. I'm sure bikers would love to wear this. I think I would pay money to see a group of Harley riders all wearing the Hands Free Cockpit Umbrella.

Given the importance of appearances in modern society, I can understand why people might go to great lengths to maximize their looks for as long as possible. At the same time, some people take it just a little bit too far.

Lately, women in New York have been spending over $200 for bird poop facials at the Shizuka New York Salon. Apparently, the guanine in the feces helps to even out skin tone, remove impurities, and unclog pores. While the nightingale droppings they use are sterilized and powdered, I won't be joining their waitlist any time soon.

On the other hand, if you'd like to have a bird poop facial but can't afford the $216/session fee, you can purchase your own bird droppings for a mere $17.99 here.

I have to wonder, though - Do other types of birds have guanine in their feces, too? If so, I'm going to start harvesting my parrots' poop and open my own salon.