Recently in Curiously Awful Category

It's a running joke with my friends - I am the most likely to be grossed out by foreign things in my food, so inevitably I am always the one to find them. Fortunately, the worst things I've come across are bugs and hair, but that's enough to make me lose my appetite and greatly lessen my faith in the good hygiene of my fellow Americans. Now, if I ever found any of the following nasty things in my food, I would do one of three things, if not all in succession: scream, throw up, and scour my mouth for hours with a toothbrush and Listerine.

Here's hoping we never find things this gross in our good ol' American fast food...

5. Would you like fries with your Band-Aid?
In 2005, a student at the University of Illinois purchased a bag of French fries from the McDonalds in the Illini Union Food Court only to discover a used bandage buried within them. I said a used bandage. She complained and they prepared her a fresh meal, this time putting on gloves. Would've been nice if they had done that the first time.

4. $5 buys you a sub...and a knife!
In 2008 a Queens man went to Subway and purchased a foot-long cold cut sub. After a few bites, he noticed something tasted strange. He felt something hard on the bottom of the bread, so he turned it over and saw a 7-inch knife baked inside the bread. The sharp edge of the knife was facing upward and extended up into the sandwich, so he could have easily bitten down on it had he continued eating. The knife was apparently completely filthy, and the man became violently ill, most likely from food poisoning...and complete disgust.

3. Love those mice from Popeyes
In 2003, a Baltimore man munching on his three-piece chicken meal from Popeyes bit down on something furry. A mouse. Somehow, the rodent had been battered and fried along with one of his pieces of chicken. That particular restaurant had been shut down twice in the past two years for mouse infestation and unsanitary conditions, though, so I guess he shouldn't have been that surprised. I kid, I kid!

2. It's important to practice safe clam chowder preparation
A California woman dining at seafood restaurant McCormick & Schmick's was dissatisfied with her clam chowder, so she sent it back to the kitchen to be reheated. When it was returned, she took a bite and bit down on something rubbery. Thinking it was calamari or shrimp, she spit it into her napkin only to discover that it was a rolled-up condom. She immediately fled to the bathroom and threw up. She then sued them citing emotional distress. The case was settled the day before going to trial.

1. It's probably a delicacy in some countries
I'm pretty sure everyone has heard this one. A woman in Virginia sat down to a fried chicken dinner with her family and amongst the wings came upon a fried chicken head. We're talking the whole head - eyes, beak, little wobbly thing on top, and a few feathers. The manager at the McDonalds offered a free meal - which she rightly refused - and asked that she bring the chicken head back so they could send it to the supplier. Instead, she took it to the local news so it could be televised for all the world to see (photo above).

Bonus! This is not fast-food related, but it is the inspiration for this blog post. Recently an Atlanta woman snacking on her peanut M&Ms encountered one with a particularly hard center. She spit it out and found what a local biology professor has identified as a vertebra from a small mammal. When she called Mars, the candy manufacturer, they told her it was probably a peanut twig, but they are investigating. Goodtimes!

It's pretty insane how much spam I get each day. Most of them are for Viagra and other pills, but I also get a lot for watches. Well, at least if I trust the subject lines they are about watches. I think email spam is incredibly annoying and I loathe the "people" that send it. But, I'm not going to go into a long rant about how much I hate email spam because it isn't anything new and I think we can all agree that it sucks.

Recently, I'm receiving Viagra spam emails with interesting subject lines. There's probably a decent chance that you have received some of these same emails. It's like some giddy, horny 13-year-old on his way to becoming a full grown pervert is coming up with these subject lines. Here are some of the most creative subject lines from Viagra spam emails. These are all from emails I have actually received, word for word.

11. "Get armed with a huge love cannon"
10. "Like a pocket elephant in your pants"
9. "Raid her vault tonight"
8. "So big my underwear is too tight"
7. "Drive crazy any chick with your mega super stick"
6. "Now you can change the women like you change socks"
5. "You will always have noontime in your pants"
4. "You can wear your swimming trunks like a crown"
3. "Your member will be so strong you will be able to break the wall with it"
2. "She will want you right in the public bathroom on your date"
1. And quite possibly the weirdest one ever - "With your big horse you can insert him even into the Statue of Liberty"

About a month ago, Vat19 released a completely revamped version of its award-winning driver's education program on DVD, Rules of the Road. Needless to say, safe driving is a popular and respected subject around here.

When I saw the Road Rage Cards, I couldn't believe that people actually thought these were a good or humorous idea. Although their legal disclaimer says they aren't intended to be used in cars and are only for entertainment purposes, I have to think they know people are going to use these signs in a car. There's an image on the homepage showing a driver holding up one of the cards! If not, then why even buy them at all? Putting these up in your office isn't entertaining and just doesn't make any sense.

Even if the phrases were clever or funny, these would still be a terrible idea. Holding up a sign of any kind at a driver is weird and probably going to piss that other driver off. Holding up one of these rude cards to express your road rage is practically guaranteed to spark even more road rage in another driver, especially the ones with cursing or a picture of a gun.

There are 43 different phrases written on cards that let you express your road rage in writing. Examples of the clean ones include "Why are you tapping your breaks, freak?", "Blinker?", and "Slower Traffic Keep Right". I bet we've all thought these things silently in our heads or maybe even said them out loud. Holding up a pre-printed sign is way too much. How stupid do you look if you are driving around just waiting for another driver to make you mad so you can hold up your snarky sign?

Each phrase also comes reverse type-written so the car in front of you can read it when looking back at you in their rear view mirror. You thought that was only for ambulances and emergency vehicles? Wrong, now it is available to every raging idiot on the road.

I think these things were invented in 2004, but there is one with a cell phone picture that looks like a circa 1999 Nokia phone that everyone and their brother had. It's absurd that there is a sign with a picture of a cellphone followed by "= Lousy Driver". Instead of reaching over to grab your set of signs, flipping through to find the appropriate phrase, and positioning the sign so the other driver can read it, just concentrate on driving your car properly. Oh sure, the person busy messing with signs isn't a lousy driver, right?

Sure, I might be an occasional blogging rant-aholic, but I'm no promoter of blatant and premeditated road rage.

Just about every day you can hear or read about a study saying how childhood obesity is on the rise, kids don't get enough exercise, and how Americans are viewed as lazy by the rest of the world. Well, could it possibly be because of worthless products like these that promote laziness? Technology and automation is great in most cases, but human brain power should really be used for things more important than figuring out how to avoid stirring your own chocolate milk.

Automatic Sucker Spinners

How in the world is twirling a sucker in your mouth so strenuous that a battery-powered sucker spinner is needed!? Ridiculous! Besides, when you press the sucker too hard against the roof of your mouth or tongue, it stops spinning. Even if it did work well, it would still be a waste of money. If you can't turn your own lollipop, then you don't deserve to have a lollipop to begin with!

Microwave S'mores Maker

Someone must have been completely off their rocker when this was invented. As if making s'mores in the microwave isn't lazy enough already, this little s'mores maker will set the graham cracker on top for you. Place your graham cracker on the arms and then lower the arms down on top of the marshmallow. Right, because it is soooo difficult to place a graham cracker on top yourself. The arms can also hold down the graham cracker on top of the marshmallow in case squeezing the s'more together is too strenuous for you.

On a recent peruse around the Internet, I came across something I thought I'd never in my life see: A Fart Pad. Or if you want to be PC about it, Subtle Butt: Disposable Gas Neutralizer. It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. According to its seller, it "effectively filters the odor caused by flatulence; Simply stick it in the right place and you're ready for a chili cook-off".

Do I think it's ridiculous? Yes! Do I know someone(s) who could use one (or thousands)? Yes, again! Just within my immediate family, I can count two gentlemen who can clear a room with just one blow. Seriously, I'm talking barf-inducing kind of gas.

Another man, who goes by the name Jose Cruz, may also have a necessity for some Subtle Butt. If this young lad had only inserted one of these bad boys in his trousers before going out for a night of drinking, maybe he wouldn't be facing an additional charge along with his DUI.

Hear the story yourself:

Fart Pads. Who woulda thunk it? But then again, who would have thought you could get charged with BATTERY for farting?

Officer Fart-Face (what he might of said): "How dare you break wind before me?"
Jose Cruz (what he should have said): "Excuse me, Officer. But whoever smelt it, dealt it!"

Right?!

Giant-sized stuff can be really cool, such as a Jumbo Lighter or a Giant Wine Glass. Other giant things are stupid, ugly, and useless to most human beings. I mean, when was the last time you needed or wanted a giant corn on the cob hat? Even if it was Halloween, having a corn cob on your head still doesn't make much sense. These hats aren't full costumes, so when will these be worn!?

Giant Ice Cream Cone Hat

As if this kid doesn't look ridiculous enough with an upside down giant ice cream cone hat, the photographer decided to have him make a silly face like he's trying to lick the fake ice cream that sits atop his head. I imagine if you are in the market for a hat like this you probably don't care what the hat model looks like.

Giant Lobster Hat

This giant lobster hat reminds me of the scene in My Best Friend's Wedding where the entire family is singing "I Say a Little Prayer for You" and there is a guy with lobster claws in the background. Unless you work at a seafood restaurant that went crazy on the themed uniforms, you shouldn't own this hat or even want to.

"Mink Hershey Kiss Hat 1950s"

While looking for a giant chocolate hat, I came across an eBay listing for the little gem you see above. This is a vintage mink fur hat that supposedly resembles a Hershey Kiss. Act quickly, as the Buy It Now price is a mere $79.00. Not to get all PETA on you guys on anything, but how many minks died to make this hideous hat that looks more like a pile of mink poo than a hat? Unfortunately, no photos were found of a human wearing this.

Giant Corn on the Cob Hat

Will someone please tell me when you would wear this hat? Even the store selling this hat struggled to come up with examples of when it would be used! What backwoods haystack did this "model" crawl out of? I guess they figured with a product this awful, the person modeling it couldn't make things any worse. They were wrong.

Giant Hot Dog Hat

There's nothing like a seeing a guy with a giant hot dog hat on his head and a smirk on his face. It would be in good taste to not have the commentary on this one go on any further.

Giant Cheese Wedge Hat

Of course I can't forget about the popular Giant Cheese Hat! I'm not a Packers fan, and even if I was, I still don't think I would wear one of these. But for the superfans that sport the cheese wedge hat, good for you for caring about showing your team spirit more than you care about not looking stupid.

Giant Birthday Cake Hat

If you bought this Giant Birthday Cake Hat for yourself, you deserve to get slapped. If someone bought you this hat as your birthday gift, they deserve to get slapped. No matter how you acquired this ridiculous hat, someone deserves to get slapped.

Earlier this year, Vat19.com/blog brought you a list of Ridiculous Catalog Photos. We are back with more awful catalog photos, just in time for Valentine's Day. All we can say is that what some people think is sexy, others might find sleazy.

The Pole Dancing Kit

This photo is so awful, its good. The clear stripper heels, the tattoo on the ankle, the red feather boa on the ground. Good news fellas, this stripper pole can support up to 300 pounds! Delightful.

The "Naughty Knot"

Impressive. She knows how to loop, swoop, and pull. Did she steal this giant bow from the Lexus Christmas commercials?

Crazy Cluck Chicken

You have to choke the Crazy Cluck Chicken in order to make it sing and dance. Really? Would it have been too un-perverted to simply squeeze its beak or belly?

It's officially back to school time, and all of the stores are pushing their dorm room gear. Most of the "dorm stuff" you will see is way too themed and hippie-inspired to be in the room of a college student who owns and can actually use the product below.

"Turning on the red light" is literally coming to a campus near you. Can you imagine seeing this red "Sex in Progress" lamp lit up while walking down the hallway or street? I can't decide if this is promiscuously funny or tragically lame. I think I'd want to laugh, but I would have to refrain because I'll know that a major douchebag (and probably a desperate, easy freshman girl) is just behind the door.

In college, it is still funny to know (or be made to think) that people are getting it on. Freshman with their first taste of freedom, think it's super cool to be broadcast it to every passerby. With this lamp, a large crowd is practically being invited to wait for and witness "the walk of shame".

No matter how blatantly tacky the Sex in Progress lamp is, it's a modern upgrade to the scarf tied around the doorknob a la Dirty Dancing. Besides, seeing how it's the 21st century and all, most doors have locks on them, thus there's no need for the ol' scarf. Naive people might not know what a scarf around a doorknob means, but it would be pretty difficult to mistake what "Sex in Progress" means.

Who are the people buying and using this lamp? How serious is the purchaser taking it? Is it like, "Hey babe, wait a sec, I gotta turn this lamp on"? Afterwards, do you have to immediately update your status and turn off the lamp? I really wouldn't doubt it seeing how obsessed people are with constantly updating Twitter and MySpace.

What is Liquid ASS? According to their website, it is a "power-packed, super-concentrated liquid [that] begins to evaporate filling the air with a genuine, foul butt-crack smell with hints of dead animal and fresh poo." By the way, I'm not capitalizing the ASS for no reason; that's how they do it.

When I first saw Liquid ASS, I didn't think people were actually buying this and that if they were that they'd be high school kids spraying the stuff in class.

I was totally wrong. There are a few videos posted on their website, and all of them are from adults. As immature and gross as it is, it would be really funny to spray this stuff and watch people have disgusted reactions.

I've never smelled it, but apparently it is incredibly gross. Even though I know it will make me gag, I want to smell it to see just how bad it is.

Here's a video from a guy who gets a bunch of Liquid ASS and sprays it around the bathroom at his office. Two of his co-workers end up gagging over a toilet because it smells so awful! I think it'd be funnier if he would just let people discover the stench on their own rather than prompting them, but it's still kind of funny.

If you want more where that came from, check out his YouTube channel. I don't even think this guy works for or sells Liquid ASS, and yet he spends all of this time video taping his Liquid ASS pranks! That's quite a devoted customer.

The guys at Liquid ASSets Novelties will send you 25 free bottles of this stuff if you send them a video and they post it. Seeing how Vat19 has awesome video skills, I'm pretty sure we could earn the free bottles. However, with all of the new product videos we've been adding I don't think we have time for prank videos. Boo hoo.

photo credit: Christina Snyder

A while back, I came across a blog where the author called herself an "occasional vegetarian". This struck me as one of the stupidest things she could have possibly said. Guess what? I'm an occasional vegetarian, too - like yesterday, when I was a vegetarian for the 7 hour stretch between the sausage I had for breakfast and the hamburger I had at lunch.

This prompted me to think about similarly ridiculous phrases and oxymora (that's the plural of oxymoron)...

No offense...: Anyone who's ever used or heard this one knows it's nearly always used immediately before the speaker says something offensive. If you know it's potentially offensive and you say it anyway, this doesn't get you off the hook.

Keep It Simple, Stupid: It's not that it doesn't make sense - it does. The problem is that every person I've ever encountered using this expression says it in a way that's just begging for a solid punch in return.

Found Missing: How does that even happen?

And finally, this expression isn't stupid at all. It actually conjures up a very strong mental image...

...Face like a dropped meat pie: Yeah, that's pretty ugly.