Retired Posts: December 2007 Archives

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Every once in a while, you come across a product that's so out of tune with most its prospective customers that you have to wonder if it was ever meant for them in the first place. That's how we feel about these animal-shaped tire swings.

Freegans & Urban Foraging

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Most of us abide by the 3-second rule on foods that aren't prone to picking up dust and dirt - If a piece of food falls on the floor, it's fair game as long as it doesn't stay on the floor for more than 3 seconds. That works out pretty well, assuming that you're not dealing with foods like hot wings or ice cream.

Freegans, on the other hand, abide by a completely different set of standards. Not only will they eat food off the floor or ground, they'll eat it out of the garbage. They LOOK for food in the garbage, hoping to find recent cast-offs that can be salvaged.

The article below discusses the general lifestyle and philosophy of Freegans, many of whom also believe in a person's right to have free lodging and remain voluntarily unemployed. My thought? It only takes one really bad case of food poisoning to put you in the hospital or even kill you. I definitely wouldn't risk it. And of course, I'm a little curious as to who will be paying the bill when these people do end up getting sick - since so many Freegans seem to advocate joblessness, too.

What do you think?

Celebrity Who Am I?

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Attention, IMDB.com junkies - This quiz is definitely for you. We've assembled some odd celebrity facts to see if you can piece together the celebrity identity based on the facts given. To get the answers, click the "Continue Reading..."

1. Many people would say that I bear striking resemblance to the 1970s singer Gilbert O'Sullivan. Like Mr. O'Sullivan, I also go by a name that's different from my birth name, Ronald. Despite having a Hollywood career that spans decades, I've been married to the same woman since 1969. I have danced with Judy Garland, and I was present the night Natalie Wood died. I once worked as a lion tamer.

2. My godfather is Timothy Leary, and my parents were friends with Beat poet Allen Ginsberg. Junior high bullies once mistook me for a scrawny boy.

3. My father came out of the closet after I was born. I am extremely private, and Los Angeles cab drivers make a play on my name to describe my tipping habits.

4. I was born in St. Louis and, unlike many actors, I've had just one wife. My daughter's name is Molly. I bought a home from Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails.

5. My first granddaughter was born on my 34th birthday. I spent time working in a funeral home and as a bricklayer before I became a successful actress. My stage name came from the fact that I was known for being overly flatulent.

Best Gifts to Ensure an Awkward Christmas

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It's not like the holidays aren't awkward enough on their own. Most family events seem to be carefully orchestrated dances around all the things no one wants to talk about. Aunt Debbie's drinking habit. Cousin Josh and his very special male friend. The real reason that your brother left school. And heaven forbid anyone mention the lacy women's unmentionables that keep showing up in Grandpa's pockets.

Most of us politely ignore these things during the holidays, but there are always those bad apples who enjoy the thrill of creating awkward moments with an audience. For those people, we've created this list of great ways to make everyone squirm. Except for Aunt Debbie, of course, because she'll be passed out in the bedroom with the coats by that time.

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1. Stocking Stuffers: Homoerotic Christmas Tales - I can picture it now. Poor Grandma sees the Santa hat on the cover and says, "Oh goodie, what do we have here...Christmas stories! Wait...what's this about? Why would Santa be taking off his pants?" Make sure you have the defibrillator on hand.



2. Raunchy Wrapping Paper - Plenty of stores offer naughty wrapping paper, but what's the point in that if it will be discovered the moment you enter the party. This lets you save the fun for later.

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3. Dolly, the Inflatable Love Sheep - For a mere $30, you can make someone the proud owner of Dolly "I Want Ewe to Want Me" the Love Sheep. This is great if you have farmers in the family, as it could leave some of the family members wondering if the gift is more than just an innocent joke.

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R is for Rant

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Spandex should be banned.
Why? Why do people wear spandex? Male or female, it is not attractive. No one wants to see everything you've got (or don't). Do people not realize that spandex is distracting in a bad way? No one's looking at the faces in this picture. Nasty.

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But, oh, oh those summer nights...
Attention karaoke singers: stop singing songs from Grease. It is highly annoying and unoriginal. Summer Nights is a really lame song anyways. Bury it.

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Wear your dog like a fanny pack!
There are tons of products for sale that are not useful for me personally. But, those products might be useful for someone. People in the world are actually buying this harness-like contraption that carries a dog. Do dogs not like to actually walk when they go outside for a walk?

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"We'll hang out at the coolest bars"
I cannot stand Nickelback. The lyrics, the sound, the looks, and the repetitious radio play drive me crazy. How did they convince all of those celebrities to be part of the video for Rockstar? Anyone else sick of the long-haired Jesus look?

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Big is Not Always Beautiful

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We're not going to say that we're perfect, because we're not. On the other hand, we can't help but get a little disgusted at the "beautifully big" work of Florence Studios. We spotted it on Neatorama a while back, and the terrible mental images have been with us ever since.

Florence Studios has taken a number of famous works of art and distorted them into obese, gurgling mounds of ceramic flesh. Take a look below, as we've compared Botticelli's Venus to Florence Studio's version for the Weight Watcher set.

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While the first Venus isn't exactly a babe by modern day standards, I'm almost positive that Venus wasn't meant to have cankles. Plus, the unspoken endorsement of extreme obesity by comparing it to some of the world's greatest works of art is downright disturbing.

What's your take?

When we saw this story, our first thought was that there is no way that a snake could be a cuddly pet that you would hug and love and RIDE ON. The video below proves otherwise. Apparently, the young boy and the python have grown up together and they're best friends. The fact that the snake lets the boy play with him so roughly is completely mind-blowing.

Use A Paperclip To Win $1,000,000

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There are hundreds of uses for a simple paperclip. A list of over 100 uses (some realistic and useful, some creepy and ridiculous) can be seen here. Here's 10 interesting ways that someone might actually use a paperclip, other than to hold papers together.

  • Lottery Ticket scratcher (Because coins or fingernails are hard to come by.)
  • Substitute a lost Monopoly or Clue gamepiece (Who done it? I believe it was Colonel Mustard in the Billiard Room with the Paperclip.)
  • Nose weight for paper airplanes (Add some extra zoom to that little guy, champ.)
  • Ornament hook (Believe it or not, many ornaments do not come with a hook.)
  • Unclog salt and pepper shakers (For those of you who don't love to intake large amounts of sodium, your shakers might actually have a chance to get clogged.)
  • Tool to flick crumbs out of the keyboard (Who hasn't eaten while at their desk?)
  • Mark pages in a book or catalog (Paperclip the pages with presents you want and "accidentally" leave it on the coffee table.)
  • Unclog a bottle of glue (How can you make a construction paper masterpiece if the glue won't come out!?)
  • Hair barrette (Since bobby pins or a pack of Goody's are SO expensive.)

Level 15 High Elf Lunatic...

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If you've ever spent a little time browsing the (not safe for work) BMEZine website, you already know that people will spend a lot of money to do a lot of strange things to their bodies. If you have a weak stomach, you'd be best advised to avoid the site completely.

That said, it was definitely amusing to see this strange, but less vomit-inducing approach to body modification. A number of plastic surgeons online claim to offer an "elf ear" procedure, including this doctor in Europe. I'm not really sure why anyone would want to have that done, but some sources say it improves hearing slightly. Personally, I think it's just a matter of having spent too much time playing Everquest/World of Warcraft/Dungeons & Dragons.

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Some people are calling the image a fake, but the fact remains that even outside of this particular doctor's image, there are real people with elf ear modifications and doctors who claim to perform the procedure.

Would you do it? Could you date or befriend someone with elf ears? Could you take a boss/teacher/parent seriously with elf ears?

PDA Pandas

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Pandas are well-known for their low sex drives, especially in captivity. The couple below has figured out how to keep the fire burning, though, and they're proving to be quite an attraction at the Tokyo zoo where they live. Apparently, they kiss for roughly an hour each day. Their mushy behavior is particularly interesting in light of the fact that Red Pandas are typically solitary animals who seek partners only during the mating season.



Sexy Socklettes are Stupid

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I've seen the Sexy Socklettes marketed as a sock to wear while waiting for toenail polish to dry and as some sort of half-sock-half-leg-warmer. How often do women paint their toenails? There is no way that it is so frequently that a special pair of socks is needed.

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Why would anyone wear these (or any other sock!) with flip flops?

Death by Caffeine

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There are lots of beverages available that contain insane amounts of caffeine. I'm personally not much of an energy drink drinker, unless it's the classic vodka and Red Bull. Obviously, too much alcohol can kill me, but how many cans of Red Bull would it take to kill me?

100.67 cans.

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It is beyond unrealistic that I would ever drink that many cans of anything. But, it would only take 16.11 bottles of Fixx to kill me.

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If you want to see how much caffeine is in a drink or how many cans of something it would take to kill you, check out the Death by Caffeine calculator at Energy Fiend. Simply pick your poison, enter your weight, and find out your lethal dosage.

Top 10 Secretly Illicit Songs

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While the movie itself was kind of lame, I can't help but giggle every time I think about the "Puff the Magic Dragon" scene in Meet the Parents. If you haven't seen it, the basic idea is that Robert De Niro's character enjoys the song but doesn't acknowledge the possibility that it might be about something other than a dragon that lived by the sea. Ben Stiller's character mentions the "other meaning" and is promptly interrogated by De Niro, the father-in-law to be.

Taking inspiration from that scene, we've compiled a list of other songs that may or may not mean exactly what they say.

10. Olivia Newton-John, Let's Get Physical - Maybe she's singing about exercising. Or maybe not.



9. Bloodhound Gang; Foxtrot, Uniform, Charlie, Kilo - With lines like "Put the you know what in the you know where" and "Vulcanize the whoopee stick in the ham wallet", there's really no way to argue that this one is anything but dirty.

8. Cyndi Lauper, She Bop - Another 80s classic, this song could be about dancing, but most people agree that it's about a different "hobby".



About this Archive

This page is a archive of entries in the Retired Posts category from December 2007.

Retired Posts: November 2007 is the previous archive.

Retired Posts: January 2008 is the next archive.

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