Retired Posts: January 2009 Archives

Celebrities that have fallen off the A-list often end up hosting game shows or reality shows just to stay in "the business" and get a paycheck. I suppose there is a slight chance that they are merely fulfilling their lifelong dream of hosting a game show, but I doubt that is typically the case. I love Family Feud, but I don't really want to see J. Peterman or Al Borland doing the hosting. I'd rather see Seinfeld and Home Improvement back on the air! (Side note: Did J.T.T. fall off the face of the earth?)

Game shows are crazier and crappier than ever. If you watched even just 10 seconds of Hole in the Wall, you know what I'm talking about. Each TV season brings a new batch of terrible game shows. Here are some shows that might be in-the-works when these celebrities fall off the A-list. I don't know that Angelina Jolie will ever drop off the A-list, I hope and pray that Paris Hilton does soon, and Dick Cheney was barely on the political A-list as Vice President, so he's definitely well on his way to the D-list.

Angelina Jolie, host of Spin The Bottle: Family Edition

You don't have any friends to sit in your circle? No problem, just gather 'round your siblings.

Paris Hilton, host of Hot Potato

Of course, one of the rules is that you have to say "That's hot" when you get the potato passed to you.

Dick Cheney, host of Duck, Duck, Goose

Just to keep the show fresh and exciting, sometimes he'll yell "Quail!" and shoot a shotgun without looking.

I freely admit that I am quite the hypochondriac, and I have an overdeveloped fear of germs. Therefore, I hate this time of year - the dreaded cold and flu season. I wash my hands like a madwoman and do the best I can to avoid the many around me who are dropping like flies with sore throats, fevers, runny noses, and, uh, gastrointestinal issues. But my efforts failed me this season, and I caught what was pretty much a month-long cold. In the midst of my sneezing and coughing episodes, I searched online for a natural cure, finding everything from the usual - chicken soup, herbal tea, vitamin C - to the bizarre, as you'll see below.

You want me to do WHAT, now?

1. To ease a sore throat, suck on a salted kumquat. OK, I've never had a kumquat, but Wikipedia tells me that it tastes like very acidic orange. Wikipedia also tells me that salted kumquats can last several years. I don't even want to think what a 10-year-old salted kumquat tastes like, and I certainly don't want to suck on one.

2. To ease a sore throat and reduce phlegm, consume a mixture of one spoonful each of honey (fine), lemon essence (fine), and ketchup (WHAT?!).

3. Try a mustard plaster. Mix 1 tablespoon of dry mustard and 2-4 tablespoons of flour with an egg white and warm water to form a paste. Make a mustard plaster sandwich by spreading the paste onto a handkerchief and placing another handkerchief on top. Then dab the upper chest with olive oil and place the mustard plaster sandwich on top. Now, this sure seems like a lot of work for the 5 minutes you keep it on. Why only 5 minutes? Because it can burn if left on too long. Nice.

4. For body aches, rub chest and joints with paraffin and cover with greased baking paper. The website that listed this old Polish remedy says it's not recommended. Golly gee, I wonder why.

5. For a sore throat, put a sweaty sock around your neck. Um, no.

Click over to the next page to discover less bizarre-sounding flu remedies...

The 2009 Miss America Pageant is just two days away. What? You didn't even know that? Well, neither did most people. This is probably partly due to no one caring and also because it is no longer aired on a major network. In case you want to set your TiVo, this year's pageant will air Saturday, January 24 at 8:00 PM EST on TLC.

When I say "Miss America Pageant", you say what? I'm going to take a guess what words or quick thoughts come to mind when someone mentions this pageant or the Miss USA, Miss Teen USA, or Miss Universe pageants. Heck, any beauty pageant for that matter!

Thought #1: Tanking ratings.
There's a reason (or two or ten) why the Miss America Pageant is on a cable network on a Saturday night. Enough said.

Thought #2: Fake.
The interview round is stupid. Actually, so is the swimsuit round, the evening wear round, and the talent round. They are asked about situations that a beauty queen cannot even solve. The responses are always fake and do not qualify as valuable answers with substance. It reminds me of trying to BS your way through an essay question in school. You have no idea what you're talking about, but you hope that if you ramble on long enough you'll get by.

Thought #3: Useless.
What is the actual purpose of beauty pageants? Sure, the contestants are involved in charity work, but why the need for a competition, sashes, crowns, swimsuits, evening gowns, dance routines, and talent shows? Doesn't applying to college and for scholarships take care of encouraging young people to get involved in a cause, whether they genuinely want to or not? Maybe I'm missing the underlying value in these pageants, but probably not. With all the reality trash that is on TV, it could be much worse and much more useless. Mama's Boys, I'm looking at you.

Ever think about how important your eyebrows are? They may seem like the most useless thing on your face, but in fact, eyebrows can be one of your most defining characteristics. Each of the following celebrities is (or was) well-known for their distinctive eyebrows. Can you guess the celebrity just by looking at their eyebrows? Find the answers after the jump. No peeking!!!

Celebrity Eyebrow Set #1:

Celebrity Eyebrow Set #2:

Celebrity Eyebrow Set #3:

Celebrity Eyebrow Set #4:

Celebrity Eyebrow Set #5:

Celebrity Eyebrow Set #6:

Celebrity Eyebrow Set #7:

Celebrity Eyebrow Set #8:

Celebrity Eyebrow Set #9:

Continue reading to see the answers.

This question has nothing to do with the horrible economy or having to cut back on expenses. It's just a hypothetical situation, like a "Would you rather..." or "What if..." game.

What if you could only use electricity to power 5 things in your house? What 5 things would you choose? To make it more interesting, let's pretend you have to remain in your house for one month (this isn't for just a day!), the month is January, and your utilities are all electric, not gas.

That's a pretty tough one. There are definitely more than 5 things I use every single day which require electricity.

Here are my picks:

1. Hot water heater

I cannot tolerate taking a cold shower in the winter. Heck no. I'm not going to power the heater because I have a real fireplace. And I'm not going to power the air conditioner because it is January in St. Louis! However, during the summer, the water heater would go bye-bye and I'd power the A/C. I can't stay in a cold, dark basement.

2. TV

Call me a lazy TV-addict, but I'm putting my TV on the list. There are shows I really like to watch, and I'm not a big fan of watching TV shows on my computer. Plus, I like to have the news on while I get ready in the morning. I don't have the time to check traffic online. Sorry Netflix, the DVD player isn't making it on the list. I can get movies right on the TV if I really want to watch them at home.

Yes, ladies, I know most of us, if not all, have heard the rumor that mascara is made from bat poo. I've read articles that confirm the rumor and articles that dispel it and yet, still unsure, I continue to coat my eyelashes with what might actually be bat excrement. But believe it or not, bat poop may not be the most disgusting ingredient in your beauty arsenal. Let's have a look, shall we?

Disgusting Ingredient #5: The Cochineal Beetle

Cute, isn't it? Now imagine crushing the heck out of it, gathering all the lovely red juice that oozes out, and putting it all over your lips. That is essentially what you are probably doing when coating your lips with your favorite red lipstick. The cochineal beetle is the source of carmine, a red dye often used in lipsticks and some eyeshadows. And actually, you might even find this in your strawberry yogurt or that yummy raspberry popsicle you're about to bite into, as carmine is used as food dye as well. Mmm, cochineal beetles.

Disgusting Ingredient #4: Placenta

I don't know about you, but I was hoping that the last time I'd be covered in placenta would be, you know, my birth and all. But apparently placenta is used in some skin care products with claims that it promotes tissue growth and diminishes wrinkles. Solid proof of these claims seems to be MIA, though. So, use products with placenta at your own risk, if you can stomach it.

Disgusting Ingredient #3: Bull Semen

Yeah, I read that twice too. I'll admit you probably won't find this in any woman's beauty bag, but there is a salon in Europe that offers a 45-minute hair treatment that involves a mixture of bull semen and katira plant root extract being massaged gently into the hair. Why? To boost shine, of course! Am I the only one picturing Cameron Diaz in "There's Something About Mary"? I didn't think so...

Disgusting Ingredient #2: Ambergris, aka Whale Barf

Got a signature scent? You may have a nauseous whale to thank for it. Ambergris, the byproduct of digestion from whales (or puke, in layman's terms), is often used to "fix" the scent of a perfume. But don't freak out just yet, because due to the high cost of the natural substance, synthetic versions are used more often than the real thing.

And the # 1 Most Disgusting Ingredient: Cow Dung

Believe it or not, cow dung, the same stuff that attracts flies and repels anyone with a halfway decent sense of smell, is actually used to create a fragrance - vanilla fragrance, that is. Apparently the soft scent of vanilla can be extracted from cow poo when it is heated up under high pressure. Yeah. Heated cow dung smells like vanilla. I'll believe it when I ... no, just forget it.

So there you have it, the top five most disgusting ingredients that may very well be lurking in your beauty bag. That old fashioned practice of just pinching your cheeks for a little color doesn't sound so stupid now, does it?

About a month ago, Vat19 released a completely revamped version of its award-winning driver's education program on DVD, Rules of the Road. Needless to say, safe driving is a popular and respected subject around here.

When I saw the Road Rage Cards, I couldn't believe that people actually thought these were a good or humorous idea. Although their legal disclaimer says they aren't intended to be used in cars and are only for entertainment purposes, I have to think they know people are going to use these signs in a car. There's an image on the homepage showing a driver holding up one of the cards! If not, then why even buy them at all? Putting these up in your office isn't entertaining and just doesn't make any sense.

Even if the phrases were clever or funny, these would still be a terrible idea. Holding up a sign of any kind at a driver is weird and probably going to piss that other driver off. Holding up one of these rude cards to express your road rage is practically guaranteed to spark even more road rage in another driver, especially the ones with cursing or a picture of a gun.

There are 43 different phrases written on cards that let you express your road rage in writing. Examples of the clean ones include "Why are you tapping your breaks, freak?", "Blinker?", and "Slower Traffic Keep Right". I bet we've all thought these things silently in our heads or maybe even said them out loud. Holding up a pre-printed sign is way too much. How stupid do you look if you are driving around just waiting for another driver to make you mad so you can hold up your snarky sign?

Each phrase also comes reverse type-written so the car in front of you can read it when looking back at you in their rear view mirror. You thought that was only for ambulances and emergency vehicles? Wrong, now it is available to every raging idiot on the road.

I think these things were invented in 2004, but there is one with a cell phone picture that looks like a circa 1999 Nokia phone that everyone and their brother had. It's absurd that there is a sign with a picture of a cellphone followed by "= Lousy Driver". Instead of reaching over to grab your set of signs, flipping through to find the appropriate phrase, and positioning the sign so the other driver can read it, just concentrate on driving your car properly. Oh sure, the person busy messing with signs isn't a lousy driver, right?

Sure, I might be an occasional blogging rant-aholic, but I'm no promoter of blatant and premeditated road rage.