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Just about every day you can hear or read about a study saying how childhood obesity is on the rise, kids don't get enough exercise, and how Americans are viewed as lazy by the rest of the world. Well, could it possibly be because of worthless products like these that promote laziness? Technology and automation is great in most cases, but human brain power should really be used for things more important than figuring out how to avoid stirring your own chocolate milk.

Automatic Sucker Spinners

How in the world is twirling a sucker in your mouth so strenuous that a battery-powered sucker spinner is needed!? Ridiculous! Besides, when you press the sucker too hard against the roof of your mouth or tongue, it stops spinning. Even if it did work well, it would still be a waste of money. If you can't turn your own lollipop, then you don't deserve to have a lollipop to begin with!

Microwave S'mores Maker

Someone must have been completely off their rocker when this was invented. As if making s'mores in the microwave isn't lazy enough already, this little s'mores maker will set the graham cracker on top for you. Place your graham cracker on the arms and then lower the arms down on top of the marshmallow. Right, because it is soooo difficult to place a graham cracker on top yourself. The arms can also hold down the graham cracker on top of the marshmallow in case squeezing the s'more together is too strenuous for you.

When I first saw this teddy bear holding a puffy red heart that reads "SHIT BITCH YOU IS FINE" I thought it was a joke. Then I found out you can actually purchase one for only $12.99 and you can choose between white or brown. This is good news because I hate when you find a product that isn't available for sale. No one likes a tease.

It might not read the standard "I Love You" or "Be Mine", but a compliment is a compliment no matter how ghetto it sounds or how poor the grammar.

The website says "Give One and Get Some". If you don't believe it, check out the pie chart (the results are undoubtedly from authentic scientific research) showing how much more action you'll get if you give the SHIT BITCH YOU IS FINE bear instead of a typical, boring Valentine's Day gift. Really, this bear could be given year-round. Why wait until February 14 to give this gem to the fine bitch in your life?

Check out the website and read the hilariousness that is written about the Shit Bitch Bear. If you think this bear is offensive or rude, then chances are you aren't going to laugh at the sales pitch either. In that case, maybe you should stick with the cutesy standard "I Love You" bear.

It's officially back to school time, and all of the stores are pushing their dorm room gear. Most of the "dorm stuff" you will see is way too themed and hippie-inspired to be in the room of a college student who owns and can actually use the product below.

"Turning on the red light" is literally coming to a campus near you. Can you imagine seeing this red "Sex in Progress" lamp lit up while walking down the hallway or street? I can't decide if this is promiscuously funny or tragically lame. I think I'd want to laugh, but I would have to refrain because I'll know that a major douchebag (and probably a desperate, easy freshman girl) is just behind the door.

In college, it is still funny to know (or be made to think) that people are getting it on. Freshman with their first taste of freedom, think it's super cool to be broadcast it to every passerby. With this lamp, a large crowd is practically being invited to wait for and witness "the walk of shame".

No matter how blatantly tacky the Sex in Progress lamp is, it's a modern upgrade to the scarf tied around the doorknob a la Dirty Dancing. Besides, seeing how it's the 21st century and all, most doors have locks on them, thus there's no need for the ol' scarf. Naive people might not know what a scarf around a doorknob means, but it would be pretty difficult to mistake what "Sex in Progress" means.

Who are the people buying and using this lamp? How serious is the purchaser taking it? Is it like, "Hey babe, wait a sec, I gotta turn this lamp on"? Afterwards, do you have to immediately update your status and turn off the lamp? I really wouldn't doubt it seeing how obsessed people are with constantly updating Twitter and MySpace.

What is Liquid ASS? According to their website, it is a "power-packed, super-concentrated liquid [that] begins to evaporate filling the air with a genuine, foul butt-crack smell with hints of dead animal and fresh poo." By the way, I'm not capitalizing the ASS for no reason; that's how they do it.

When I first saw Liquid ASS, I didn't think people were actually buying this and that if they were that they'd be high school kids spraying the stuff in class.

I was totally wrong. There are a few videos posted on their website, and all of them are from adults. As immature and gross as it is, it would be really funny to spray this stuff and watch people have disgusted reactions.

I've never smelled it, but apparently it is incredibly gross. Even though I know it will make me gag, I want to smell it to see just how bad it is.

Here's a video from a guy who gets a bunch of Liquid ASS and sprays it around the bathroom at his office. Two of his co-workers end up gagging over a toilet because it smells so awful! I think it'd be funnier if he would just let people discover the stench on their own rather than prompting them, but it's still kind of funny.

If you want more where that came from, check out his YouTube channel. I don't even think this guy works for or sells Liquid ASS, and yet he spends all of this time video taping his Liquid ASS pranks! That's quite a devoted customer.

The guys at Liquid ASSets Novelties will send you 25 free bottles of this stuff if you send them a video and they post it. Seeing how Vat19 has awesome video skills, I'm pretty sure we could earn the free bottles. However, with all of the new product videos we've been adding I don't think we have time for prank videos. Boo hoo.

We've all probably seen interesting products that open alcohol, such as hats, belt buckles, and sandals that have bottle openers. This summer, take it up a notch and get something that can store and conceal your alcohol. And no, I'm not talking about a traditional flask that can fit in your pocket.

You might be wondering where or why you would need to use any of the products I'm about to mention. Let me tell you a true story.

I know someone who purchased a large bottle of water, dumped it out, filled it up with vodka and Sprite and then re-sealed the bottle cap with super glue. Where did this happen? At an outdoor concert venue with security sweeps at the entrance. Why did this happen? An unwillingness to pay $9.00 per beer.

If this person would've had one of these products, the hassle and taste of super glue could've been avoided.

Flask Flip Flops

These flip flops from Reef have a flask (or "canteen" as they call it) and a bottle opener. I can deal with the bottle opener on a shoe because maybe the glass part won't actually come into contact with the shoe. I don't think I'm willing to drink anything dispensed from a shoe. It would be hot since it's been walked on all day and it might taste like plastic, not to mention dealing with the fact that it came out of a germy sandal. Smuggling a couple shots can't be worth this.

Seat Cushion Flask

The Seat Cushion Flask (it also has a cutesy name, Sippin' Seat) actually makes sense. You don't have to wear it and it isn't very gross. Sporting events are notorious for having overpriced beverages. You might have to pay $5.00 for a bottle of Coke, but you'll be adding that Jack for free!

Beer Belly Fatso Flask

How desperate are you if you'd rather strap on a big fat belly and carry around extra unattractive "weight" than pay for alcohol? Do you just get skinnier and skinnier throughout the day as you drink the contents of your strap-on belly flask? The Beer Belly stupid and I'll leave it at that.

Have you ever heard of edible cake jewels? It sounds a little weird (and prissy!), but they exist and are available in multiple colors to look like various gemstones. They make regular sprinkles or colored sugar look very "blah".

These would be perfect for Lil Jon's blinged out birthday cake! Lil Jon would be walking around with his diamond-covered chalice (oh, I'm sorry, I meant Pimp Cup) of CRUNK energy drink in one hand and a plate of jeweled birthday cake in the other. What a beautiful mental picture.

Princess wannabes around the world probably rejoiced when these were invented. And their moms were bummed because these cost more than sprinkles and will have to be placed on the cake one by one! You don't just dump cake jewels on a cake!

A package of about 84 assorted cake jewels costs $13.00. But for some parents, that's a small price to pay if it will satisfy a whining kid with the most perfectest birthday cake ever. Plus, if you put more than 84 of these on a cake, you have probably flown right past "nicely decorated" to "utterly tacky".

All kidding aside, I do think these have potential to look pretty neat on a cake. If you were really talented you could use these to make a stained glass image on a sheet cake.

When was the last time in your adult life that you thought "Oh no, I can't possibly finish this banana. I cannot waste it and I wish I had a protective clip that looked like a weird beak so I could save it for later". If you've actually had that exact thought, then I am in the wrong career and should be a psychic.

The Nana Saver is a little plastic cap/clip that keeps a half-eaten banana fresh. I can't vouch for how "fresh", seeing as I'm not cool enough to have tested the Nana Saver out. In my opinion, unless you are a small child, you should be able to finish off an entire banana in one sitting. I'm not trying to encourage people to eat more than they should, but come on, saving half of a banana? Ludicrous. You should have 5-9 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, according to the USDA Food Guide Pyramid, so eat up the rest of that banana.

Even funnier is that you have to make the decision ahead of time that you are only going to eat half of the banana since you have to leave the peel intact. Premeditated wussiness.

For those of you who enjoy eating bananas (whole bananas), may I recommend the Banana Bunker? There's no slicing or saving involved. It simply protects your banana wherever you decide you need to bring a banana along. If you don't eat the entire banana, don't even think about putting it back in the Banana Bunker, as its exposed end will certainly get brown and gross. The Banana Bunker is not suited for those who can't handle a banana in its entirety.

As you can see, the Banana Bunker has a very mature style. (Oh please, like you didn't already think something dirty about its ribbing and the word "banana".)

Obviously, the Banana Bunker is much cooler than the Nana Saver and also serves a better function. Plus, the Nana Saver folks didn't make a video of someone playing the drums with bananas while wearing a Viking helmet now did they?

Baseball season is in full swing (yes, pun intended). I usually don't mind baseball-themed products when those products are designed for cute little kids. The Slugga bat backpack is at the top of my list for awful products targeted at Little Leaguers.

OK, so I don't actually have a list titled Most Awful Products Targeted at Little Leaguers. But if I did, this would be on it.

The Slugga bat backpack went overboard with trying to be cute and themed. This thing fails at being cool and also looks pretty creepy.

It is a character shaped like a real baseball bat with arms and legs. I like a little anthropomorphism every now and then, but not in this case. He looks like he's high. He's showing his midriff. No baseball player would be caught dead in a cropped jersey. Not even the gals in A League of Their Own would wear this. The cap tilted to the side must be an attempt at being "hip". Or, maybe he's just too stoned to keep his hat on straight. Those shoes suck. They look like wannabe Chuck Taylors.

It's great that these kids are participating in an athletic activity and are having fun. Props to their parents for not allowing them to get grossly overweight like most kids I see today. (that my friends, would be an entire other ranting post) However, at least one of these kids has a parent or coach who allowed him to carry the stupid Slugga. On a side note, is it just me or does it look like the head of the kid in the front row on the left was Photoshopped on?

Just when you think you've seen just about every version of Monopoly available, inevitably, there's still more to stumble upon. Enter: Ghettopoly. I found this online, and apparently, it was created in 2003 by a guy named David Chang which caused major controversy amongst the Hasbro team who are the original creators of "Monopoly." Where was I when all this happened?


The game features:

• Game Board
• Pink Slip Cards
• Ghetto Doe Counterfeit Money & Loan Shark Tray
• Ghetto Stash and Hustle Cards
• 40 Crack Houses
• 17 Projects
• 7 Collectible Pewter Tokens: Pimp, Hoe, 40 oz, Machine Gun, Marijuana Leaf, Basketball, and Crack Rock
• Non-metallic Dice
• Rules


Oh, and don't forget, you can have 2-7 playas!

I think I want to play just to read some of the "Ghetto Stash" and "Hustle" cards. Nothing beats "Let$ Roll Steal $$$" right after paying a fine for a card that read, "You found out today that the chicken head you be messin wit last night has STD's. Pay $50 for a shot of antibiotics."

I don't know about you, but I want to buy this game A.S.A.P. Sadly, I have to report that production has since been terminated following the lawsuit Hasbro brought against Chang. However, this website has a few copies left, in case you want to stock up for future ghetto adventures.

P.S. I must admit that these game pieces are hilarious.

I love me some toast (and French toast!) but I do not love the myriad of toast products that are available. Sure toast is delicious and simple, but what is the fascination with wanting other objects that look like toast? Remember when that piece of toast with an image of Virgin Mary on it sold for $28,000 on eBay to Golden Palace Casino? Ridiculous.

In case you've missed the junk you can buy that looks like toast, here's a crash course.

Inflatable Toast

Tic Tac Toast

Toasted Notes

Toast Pillow