Rant-aholic: September 2007 Archives

I swear, smokers are the most dedicated people in the world. Some smokers will stand outside in the freezing cold, brave snow and rain, and sweat in the humidity and heat in order to puff puff on that cigarette. Constantly buying the same item is being a dedicated customer. Smoking is not allowed in many public places, so smokers have to go outside. Abandoning a social scene for the sake of smoking takes dedication. I have seen people smoking with the car windows up, right before playing a soccer game, and even while mowing the lawn. Location and activity are non-issues. Smokers are dedicated to helping out non-smokers: pay extra tax on tobacco and won't live as long so there's a savings on social security pay outs.

Why do printers always seem to malfunction!? It seems so simple. Click the little printer icon and wait for the technological magic to happen. And wait. And wait. Is the paper jammed? Nope. Is the ink empty? Nope. Is the printer turned on? Yep. Did I actually click print? Yep. Where is my precious document? No one knows, except for the printer. And he's certainly not telling. And, don't even get me started on the stapler that is in Vat19's shipping room. It may seem virtually impossible for a one-functioned item to mess up, but it sure does.

Have you ever been playing miniature golf (a.k.a. putt-putt) and the group of people in front of you is playing incredibly slowly? Why is it that no matter how hard you try to slow yourself down and take your time, you still end up waiting for the slowpokes in front of you to finish the next hole? Seriously, those holes have like a par 2 and you only have to walk about 6 feet between strokes, so what is taking so long?

Attention drivers: please stop slowing down on the highway to look at accidents. No one likes traffic, so stop making the situation worse. A fender bender is nothing unusual or worthy of extra attention. A really bad accident might make you curious, but don't be the hated "rubberneck". If you've even been standing on the side of the road freaking out because your car just got totaled, you'll never be a jerk and slow down to stare at someone else's misfortune again. No one needs an audience at a time like that, so keep it movin'.

Why do the most annoying fans in the entire baseball park end up on TV? Those camera men decide where to point the camera, so I'm not sure why someone would choose to make the rest of the world look at some of the lamest people in attendance. A few of the fans that annoy me are:

Waving while on my cell phone as I sit behind home plate guy. No one cares about seeing you on TV except for that one single person you are talking to. That person might not even care. Not to mention the fact that you have one of the best seats in the entire park, so get off your phone and actually watch the game occurring 10 feet in front of your face. Cellphone companies should join together and make an agreement that there will be no service provided in the first ten or so rows.

Network poster guy. Who are you a fan of, the team or the network? Yes, the announcers that come along with the network matter. But guess what, you're at the game, not at home watching the broadcast and listening to those announcers. You made that poster because you know a network will do anything for some advertising. "New York's Best Coverage". Suck up.

I'm with a really hot girl guy. Camera men are like snipers when it comes to hunting down a hot girl. She's probably your sister or something. Or she's paid arm candy.

I'm a grown man and I brought my glove guy. You are not a little leaguer on a field trip, so leave that glove at home and spit out that fatty wad of Big League Chew.

Cliche poster guy. "Hey hey hey Albert! Hit it over here!" Do not try to tie Albert Pujols together with Fat Albert. You are not clever. You are lame.

Obnoxiously enthusiastic guy. You are the one who is the last thing I see before a commercial break after the end of an amazing inning. Your hat is definitely on backwards, you have a beer in your hand, your buddies are all shoving their faces by yours so that you are all in the camera shot, and your mouth is open too far while screaming. Get off my TV.

Shirt off guy. Even if you are tan and ripped I don't want to see you shirtless. If there is something painted on your chest/belly I don't want to see letters or numbers jiggling around.

I have a cute kid guy. Aww, isn't that sweet that you brought your kid to the game. He is making a mess of himself with cotton candy and the camera loves it.

I'm eating the grossest over-sized hot dog guy. Ketchup, mustard, relish, onions, jalapeños, and sauerkraut all overflowing out of a hot dog as you try to shove that giant monstrosity into your mouth is super unattractive. I pity the people sitting around you who have to smell and watch that.

I trampled a little kid for this foul ball guy. It's a only a foul ball, dude. It happens tons of times during a game, so it isn't a cool or rare event. That foul ball isn't going to be worth thousands on eBay or anything. Prevent someone from getting hit by the ball, but don't hit (or push or run over) someone to get the ball.

If you are one of these "guys", I hope you realize how much everyone is making fun of you and hope that none of us will ever have to see you on our TVs again.