Seriously?: April 2009 Archives

OK, all I can see here is Hannibal Lecter and his equally disturbed adoring fan.

But actually, the intended purpose of the item on this guy's face is not to prevent him from feasting on other humans, but instead to keep him from screwing up his goatee and ultimately having to shave the whole thing off. Hence the name: GoateeSaver.

As a woman, I have no personal experience in this arena, so I really have no idea how hard it is to maintain a goatee. Some fellas with shaky hands may in fact find this product useful. It is expandable, so you can adjust it to fit your style of goatee. But as far as I can tell, the piece doesn't bend to conform to the curves of your face, so if you've got a wider goatee, I'm thinking there's going to be a big ol' gap between the GoateeSaver and your face and therefore room for error.

Ultimately, though, no matter how handy a gadget it may turn out to be, I just can't get over the look of this product. For a shaving helper that's a little less intimidating, check out Vat19's Fogless Shower Mirror.

This bracelet made out of multiple "cords" and 24K gold costs about $145. Are we for serious? It just looks like a bunch of hair rubber bands clasped together!

I like colorful bracelets and unique things, but this is completely overpriced. If you're looking for unique gifts at great prices, be sure to visit the Vat19.com store!

There are plenty of products out there that are a play on words. Some of them work and come off as clever and cute, such as Monkey Key Covers. Others don't work, such as the Tooth Toothpick Holder.

How gross. I don't want to be reminded with a blatant visual that people are going to be using these toothpicks to dig out little food remnants from the crevices of their teeth. However, if you are into this kind of thing, you're in luck because there are also Tooth Piks, which are food picks that are shaped like a tooth. Mmmm, classy.

For some cool, non-gross gifts, check out our store - Vat19.com.

OK, so I get that this is a joke. And just in case I didn't, the manufacturer posted a nice note on the box: "REAL babies should NEVER smoke! Ceramic babies smoking, on the other hand, are strangely appealing."

Really? To who? Who finds ceramic smoking babies appealing? If I walked into someone's house and found a ceramic smoking baby on their mantel, I'd be freaked out. I mean, that's a pretty twisted sense of humor. It's one thing to just see the ceramic smoking baby and think it's funny, but it's another thing entirely to actually purchase it and then display it in your home or office.

But hey, if this is your thing, far be it from me to deny you the details. The 2-3/4"-tall Smoking Baby comes with 10 "Li'l Smokes", which are actually just unscented incense wrapped in paper.

Is it me, or is "unscented incense" an oxymoron?

Does the world really need more fart sounds? Whether the sound is real or fake, I think not. I'd obviously rather spend $7.99 on something else. Kids, don't spend your allowance on this stupid toy.

About a month ago, I was taking a tour a at the Anheuser-Busch Brewery here in St. Louis, and some kid (I don't know why a kid was there. Kids don't want to hear about beechwood aging and hops.) walked by a group of us and played a fart machine while his friend walked by about 10 feet behind him laughing. Good one, kids. Like that one's never been done before.

This idiot of a kid didn't use a Gas-O-Matic, but I imagine he probably has one at home. He probably also stocked up on the extra sphincters. Yes, those are available.

The manufacturer says that "this realistic-sounding flatulence imtitator makes people think you really let one fly." Well isn't that wonderful news? By the way, that spelling error for "imitator" is actually on their webpage like that. Nice job, fake fart toy website creators.

This here is the Hip-T. It's marketed as a "layering accessory for your hips", and is basically a $20.00 band of fabric that you put around your hips - over your jeans and under your too-short shirt - to camouflage your muffin top and/or prevent the embarrassment of butt/thong exposure when you sit or bend over. Why not just wear a cami under your shirt like normal people? Well, say the Hip-T creators, whole shirts under other shirts cause an annoying "t-shirt tangle" that simply must be avoided.

However, whole shirts, with their arm and neck holes, are guaranteed to stay put on your frame. I have a feeling these Hip-Ts would roll down or shimmy up - especially on those of us who have those unfortunate muffin tops or tummy rolls - causing us to be smoothing or tugging at it all day long. And really, I find it hard to believe that it does anything about corralling in the muffin top anyway; it just looks too thin.

Plus, I have fears about other ways people might use this item. Tube top? Headband? Skirt? Good God, I can see the Paris Hilton wannabe now.

While I will admit the layering effect is cute, I just don't see the point of spending $20.00 on a band of fabric when I could have a whole shirt for the same price. And actually, I think most of the gals rocking the super-low jeans are kind of wanting that extra exposure, so there goes half of Hip-T's target audience.

I did enjoy checking out their Press section, though, in which the celebrities posing with the Hip-T include various D-listers such as Karina and Lacey from "Dancing with the Stars", Bobby Brown, and "celebs" we haven't seen in 20 years. Note to MyHip-T.com editors: It's ANSON Williams from "Happy Days", not Ansel. Poor Potsie gets no respect.

You'd think the energy drink trend would be played out by now, but it's not.

For just $2.99 you can score yourself a can of Pac-Man Power Up Energy Drink. I get that people love retro stuff and like to try weird drinks, but Pac-Man doesn't seem like the type of video game that should be associated with an energy drink. For World of Warcraft, sure. But not for Pac-Man.

You can also get a can of Donkey Kong Jungle Juice Energy Drink for $2.49. Apparently Donkey Kong can't command the $2.99 price like Pac-Man can.

If you're looking for a useful and unique Pac-Man gift that doesn't have the douchebag factor associated with energy drinks, check out the Pac-Man Pot Holder.

I am outraged.

Baby Bangs! HAIR+bands are basically headbands with faux hair attached for babies from 0-9 months. This tot-sized toupee, as the website states, was created "for baby girl's [sic], with little or no hair at all, to enhance their natural beauty." Here is a before-and-after:

Is anyone else ticked off by this? The world already puts enough pressure on young girls to look a certain way; we do NOT need to start "enhancing beauty" before the kid even hits 1! Let them enjoy their lack of hair (and frankly, their freedom) while they can! They have plenty of years ahead full of the hassles of blow-drying, teasing, and highlighting.

As far as I can tell, the main reason this product was created was to spare mothers (and/or fathers) the embarrassment of their baby girl being mistaken for a boy. I have a feeling that any parent that would be seriously annoyed or hurt by this innocent mistake would be the type that dresses their baby in extremely girly outfits, full of pink hearts and purple ruffles, therefore totally eliminating any possibility that the child could be mistaken for a boy in the first place. So, why burden the kid with a hairpiece?

Furthermore, what baby is going to allow this thing to be perched atop her head? I've held and babysat my share of babies, and in my experience, they squirm a lot. No wonder the makers of this product had to use a baby doll to illustrate the six-step process (six steps!) to secure and style the band on your baby's head. I take issue with steps 2, 4, and 6, specifically. Steps 2 and 4 require the use of a rattail comb, and step 6 suggests hairspray. HAIRSPRAY! As I said, babies move a lot. Their heads wobble, and they've got those soft spots that I'm always so paranoid about. I'm not about to go wielding a pointy comb and a can of hairspray around their fragile and still-developing heads.

If you ask me, the only time a Baby Bangs! HAIR+band is appropriate is if it's on top of a Cabbage Patch Doll's head, or mopping your floor.

Bald is beautiful, people, especially on babies. Embrace it!