When it comes to friends and relationships, real life can often seem like a soap opera. This guide isn't for those situations. This guide is to tell you how to keep your man if you actually find yourself living in a soap opera.
Too Good to Be True. Whenever things seem perfect, shorten the leash. If you stay up all night talking and laughing, follow up with a lunch date to keep your eye on him. If he proposes, lock him up until the wedding. Soap opera women are drawn to happily smitten men like sharks are drawn to blood.
Never leave him alone in a hospital room. In the world of soap operas, hospital lighting and stacked pillows might as well be porn and Viagra. Your man's bound to have plenty of attractive female visitors who find it hard to resist his vulnerability and sickly pallor. The risks of infidelity quadruple if he's there with any kind of rare illness.
The Law of Ballads. Never let yourself be caught in your loved one's presence when an unhappy song is playing nearby. You may think that your relationship can co-exist with Roxette's "It Must Have Been Love". It can't.
Babysitters. Babysitters, as a rule, should be blue-haired old women. If you hire a woman under 60, you are buying both a babysitter and a lover.
Takin' Care of Business. Make sure that your job doesn't require more than 5 hours of work per week. If it does, you will be labeled a workaholic and your man will spend his days frolicking with women who have the sense to work as little as possible. It is acceptable to fund your lifestyle through trysts with much older gentlemen, but this should be done prior to your relationship if at all possible.
Nothing is Certain But Taxes. Don't let your guard down just because someone's dead. Unless you personally cremated the body, she's still competition. Even then, keep an eye out for clones.
It's Not Just a Girl Thing. The more attractive and polite your man is, the likely it is that he'll be tempted by one of the many beefy studs who inevitably live nearby. Keep a watchful eye if your man starts playing a lot of "tennis" with his new friend Skip.
Play to Win. Locate your romantic competition and find her weakness. The more aggressive and tough she is, the greater her past trauma. Exploit it before she gets the chance to tearfully confide in your man. That way, she'll look more like a basket case than a poor princess in need of saving.
If your competition is a man, he is most likely HIV positive, a former male prostitute, or both. By gathering evidence and revealing it at the crucial early stages of your man's new relationship (see above), you can end it before it gets too serious.
The Starving Artist. If you've landed a sensitive and intelligent blue collar man of modest upbringing, know that he will have a secret fetish for wealthy older women. Find a way to fund his secret art/music/travel dreams before she does.
The Kids. You may not think he has them. He may not think he has them. They're out there somewhere, though, and making an effort to get to know them is a great way to show how much you care.
To Catch a Cheater - Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your lover will stray. To catch him in action, try lurking in the shadows (doesn't matter where, really) or hanging out near a foggy local pier. Even if you don't catch your own man, you're bound to catch someone, and blackmail is a better currency than cash itself.
