Results tagged “Curiously Awful” from The official blog of Vat19.com

This has to be one of the looniest things I've seen in a while.

Apparently the creators of Smell of Books Aerosol are worried that people are reluctant to use e-books (like the Kindle) because they don't smell like books. So, they created five different aerosols that you can use on your e-book to create that oh-so-enchanting book smell. The aromas I understand are New Book Smell and Classic Musty, because they are actual book smells. The ones that puzzle me are Scent and Sensibility (which smells like violets, horses, and potpourri), Eau You Have Cats (does this smell like a litter box?), and Crunchy Bacon Scent. These scents have nothing to do with books!

Beyond the bizarre scents, though, I just think the Smell of Books Aerosols are off the mark. Yes, the smell of a book is part of the whole sensory experience of reading a book, but perhaps more so is the feel of the book - turning the pages, cracking the binding, etc. Honestly, the only way you're going to feel like you're reading an actual book is to ... read an actual book.

One word: Obnoxious.

Three reasons:

1) These Ice Cream Sundae Speakers are BIG. 17" high and 17" wide. That's a heck of a lot of shelf or counter space that you're losing with these babies.

2) They're $1250.00 for a pair. I assume you're paying for excellent speakers, although the specs on the product page are jibberish to me, so I can't say for sure. But if you're enough of an audiophile to drop $1250 on speakers, do you really want them disguised as ice cream?

3) These faux sundaes don't even look good. If you want to make a great fake sundae, put a couple of "scoops" of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry together with some colorful sprinkles and a fudge drizzle. Don't build a random mound of lumpy, melty vanilla and put veins of chocolate on it. Ew.

Oh, sweet geez, they're celebrity trading cards.

PopCardz are pretty much the same thing as baseball cards, except lamer. The front features a photo of one of the "world's hottest stars", like Hayden Panettiere, Ashley Tisdale, or Dylan Sprouse. (If you don't know who these people are, ask the nearest preteen.) On the back are fun facts, like the star's favorite quote or deepest, darkest secret. Special "memorabilia" cards include a piece of clothing actually worn by the star. It's almost like you ripped it right off the celeb yourself!

The one redeeming quality about PopCardz is that, through some sort of point-and-token system, you can make a donation to charity. So, that's nice.

Seriously folks, what is the deal with the bacon phenomenon? There's bacon wallets, bacon socks, bacon bubble gum, bacon bandages, gummy bacon. There's even a bacon AK-47 out there somewhere. Why?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for quirky stuff and fun gag gifts. And these Bacon-Flavored Jelly Beans would probably be a funny gift for the bacon-lover in your life. But then I read one of the consumer comments:

"...these taste nothing like bacon. More like ashtray and refried beans."

Gross. That's just gross.

You know what's not gross, but is instead a quirky and fun gag gift that in fact tastes delicious? Vat19's Giant Gummy Bear on a Stick, that's what.

OK, all I can see here is Hannibal Lecter and his equally disturbed adoring fan.

But actually, the intended purpose of the item on this guy's face is not to prevent him from feasting on other humans, but instead to keep him from screwing up his goatee and ultimately having to shave the whole thing off. Hence the name: GoateeSaver.

As a woman, I have no personal experience in this arena, so I really have no idea how hard it is to maintain a goatee. Some fellas with shaky hands may in fact find this product useful. It is expandable, so you can adjust it to fit your style of goatee. But as far as I can tell, the piece doesn't bend to conform to the curves of your face, so if you've got a wider goatee, I'm thinking there's going to be a big ol' gap between the GoateeSaver and your face and therefore room for error.

Ultimately, though, no matter how handy a gadget it may turn out to be, I just can't get over the look of this product. For a shaving helper that's a little less intimidating, check out Vat19's Fogless Shower Mirror.

OK, so I get that this is a joke. And just in case I didn't, the manufacturer posted a nice note on the box: "REAL babies should NEVER smoke! Ceramic babies smoking, on the other hand, are strangely appealing."

Really? To who? Who finds ceramic smoking babies appealing? If I walked into someone's house and found a ceramic smoking baby on their mantel, I'd be freaked out. I mean, that's a pretty twisted sense of humor. It's one thing to just see the ceramic smoking baby and think it's funny, but it's another thing entirely to actually purchase it and then display it in your home or office.

But hey, if this is your thing, far be it from me to deny you the details. The 2-3/4"-tall Smoking Baby comes with 10 "Li'l Smokes", which are actually just unscented incense wrapped in paper.

Is it me, or is "unscented incense" an oxymoron?

I am outraged.

Baby Bangs! HAIR+bands are basically headbands with faux hair attached for babies from 0-9 months. This tot-sized toupee, as the website states, was created "for baby girl's [sic], with little or no hair at all, to enhance their natural beauty." Here is a before-and-after:

Is anyone else ticked off by this? The world already puts enough pressure on young girls to look a certain way; we do NOT need to start "enhancing beauty" before the kid even hits 1! Let them enjoy their lack of hair (and frankly, their freedom) while they can! They have plenty of years ahead full of the hassles of blow-drying, teasing, and highlighting.

As far as I can tell, the main reason this product was created was to spare mothers (and/or fathers) the embarrassment of their baby girl being mistaken for a boy. I have a feeling that any parent that would be seriously annoyed or hurt by this innocent mistake would be the type that dresses their baby in extremely girly outfits, full of pink hearts and purple ruffles, therefore totally eliminating any possibility that the child could be mistaken for a boy in the first place. So, why burden the kid with a hairpiece?

Furthermore, what baby is going to allow this thing to be perched atop her head? I've held and babysat my share of babies, and in my experience, they squirm a lot. No wonder the makers of this product had to use a baby doll to illustrate the six-step process (six steps!) to secure and style the band on your baby's head. I take issue with steps 2, 4, and 6, specifically. Steps 2 and 4 require the use of a rattail comb, and step 6 suggests hairspray. HAIRSPRAY! As I said, babies move a lot. Their heads wobble, and they've got those soft spots that I'm always so paranoid about. I'm not about to go wielding a pointy comb and a can of hairspray around their fragile and still-developing heads.

If you ask me, the only time a Baby Bangs! HAIR+band is appropriate is if it's on top of a Cabbage Patch Doll's head, or mopping your floor.

Bald is beautiful, people, especially on babies. Embrace it!

On a recent peruse around the Internet, I came across something I thought I'd never in my life see: A Fart Pad. Or if you want to be PC about it, Subtle Butt: Disposable Gas Neutralizer. It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. According to its seller, it "effectively filters the odor caused by flatulence; Simply stick it in the right place and you're ready for a chili cook-off".

Do I think it's ridiculous? Yes! Do I know someone(s) who could use one (or thousands)? Yes, again! Just within my immediate family, I can count two gentlemen who can clear a room with just one blow. Seriously, I'm talking barf-inducing kind of gas.

Another man, who goes by the name Jose Cruz, may also have a necessity for some Subtle Butt. If this young lad had only inserted one of these bad boys in his trousers before going out for a night of drinking, maybe he wouldn't be facing an additional charge along with his DUI.

Hear the story yourself:

Fart Pads. Who woulda thunk it? But then again, who would have thought you could get charged with BATTERY for farting?

Officer Fart-Face (what he might of said): "How dare you break wind before me?"
Jose Cruz (what he should have said): "Excuse me, Officer. But whoever smelt it, dealt it!"

Right?!

Giant-sized stuff can be really cool, such as a Jumbo Lighter or a Giant Wine Glass. Other giant things are stupid, ugly, and useless to most human beings. I mean, when was the last time you needed or wanted a giant corn on the cob hat? Even if it was Halloween, having a corn cob on your head still doesn't make much sense. These hats aren't full costumes, so when will these be worn!?

Giant Ice Cream Cone Hat

As if this kid doesn't look ridiculous enough with an upside down giant ice cream cone hat, the photographer decided to have him make a silly face like he's trying to lick the fake ice cream that sits atop his head. I imagine if you are in the market for a hat like this you probably don't care what the hat model looks like.

Giant Lobster Hat

This giant lobster hat reminds me of the scene in My Best Friend's Wedding where the entire family is singing "I Say a Little Prayer for You" and there is a guy with lobster claws in the background. Unless you work at a seafood restaurant that went crazy on the themed uniforms, you shouldn't own this hat or even want to.

"Mink Hershey Kiss Hat 1950s"

While looking for a giant chocolate hat, I came across an eBay listing for the little gem you see above. This is a vintage mink fur hat that supposedly resembles a Hershey Kiss. Act quickly, as the Buy It Now price is a mere $79.00. Not to get all PETA on you guys on anything, but how many minks died to make this hideous hat that looks more like a pile of mink poo than a hat? Unfortunately, no photos were found of a human wearing this.

Giant Corn on the Cob Hat

Will someone please tell me when you would wear this hat? Even the store selling this hat struggled to come up with examples of when it would be used! What backwoods haystack did this "model" crawl out of? I guess they figured with a product this awful, the person modeling it couldn't make things any worse. They were wrong.

Giant Hot Dog Hat

There's nothing like a seeing a guy with a giant hot dog hat on his head and a smirk on his face. It would be in good taste to not have the commentary on this one go on any further.

Giant Cheese Wedge Hat

Of course I can't forget about the popular Giant Cheese Hat! I'm not a Packers fan, and even if I was, I still don't think I would wear one of these. But for the superfans that sport the cheese wedge hat, good for you for caring about showing your team spirit more than you care about not looking stupid.

Giant Birthday Cake Hat

If you bought this Giant Birthday Cake Hat for yourself, you deserve to get slapped. If someone bought you this hat as your birthday gift, they deserve to get slapped. No matter how you acquired this ridiculous hat, someone deserves to get slapped.

Looking at a typical rat up close, it's difficult to imagine how anyone could ever be frightened by one of these adorable creatures.

Of course, all bets are off when it comes to rat kings. If you're not familiar with the concept, a rat king is the result of dozens of rats getting tangled together at the tail (perhaps by blood, excrement, or other debris). The specimen pictured below is a mummified rat king currently on display Altenburg, Germany at the Mauritianum.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, if you're into creepy stuff like this), the concept of the rat king is believed to be nothing more than a hoax. There has never been a verified sighting of a real, living rat king.

It's important for people to have creative outlets. Whether you play an instrument, write novels, or create works of art, the creative process can have tremendous benefits on your overall health and happiness. I love to see people who are actively involved in a creative hobby that gives them pleasure.

What follows is a showcase of the works you won't see on the auction block at Sotheby's any time soon - or even the pages of the Martha Stewart Magazine, for that matter. Instead of looking at the kind of pieces that make people "ooh" and "ahh", we're going to look at the pieces that typically find their way to flea markets, dilapidated country homes, and possibly even landfills.

If you have an "unconventional" sense of style, this is your lucky day.

1. The Skunk Pet Rock - This is going to flip the entire pet rock industry on its head.

2. Red Witch Doll - This one is bound to be the holiday season's hottest gift.

3. Love Pads - Because getting busy will be the first thing on everyone's mind when someone is wearing these...?

Given the importance of appearances in modern society, I can understand why people might go to great lengths to maximize their looks for as long as possible. At the same time, some people take it just a little bit too far.

Lately, women in New York have been spending over $200 for bird poop facials at the Shizuka New York Salon. Apparently, the guanine in the feces helps to even out skin tone, remove impurities, and unclog pores. While the nightingale droppings they use are sterilized and powdered, I won't be joining their waitlist any time soon.

On the other hand, if you'd like to have a bird poop facial but can't afford the $216/session fee, you can purchase your own bird droppings for a mere $17.99 here.

I have to wonder, though - Do other types of birds have guanine in their feces, too? If so, I'm going to start harvesting my parrots' poop and open my own salon.

I have seen my fair share of crazy piercings and strategically placed tattoos, but this is a whole new level of body modification. The Eyeball Piercing.

Although I spent just a few hours with my predecessor here at Vat19.com, I'm pretty sure that he and I wouldn't have gotten along.

It's not that he wasn't a nice guy. He was both enthusiastic and polite, rare qualities in someone who's preparing you to take on his job. It's not even like he looked at me funny or unknowingly insulted something I like. In fact, I didn't even realize my dislike for him until a couple of weeks after his departure.

One afternoon, though, as I was searching through a pile of his old faxes, I realized that he and I never would have gotten along. He consistently stapled his pages at the very edge of the paper.

That flagrant disregard for the permanence of the paper-to-paper union was enough to counteract everything else I knew of him. In an instant, I decided that he was unreliable, careless, and generally unlikeable.

I'm not the only one with these silly issues, either. A friend of mine refuses to go out with any man who owns a plastic watch. It doesn't matter if he's an outdoorsy sort who uses it while mountain-climbing and deep sea diving; she's out the door the moment she finds out.

Even my parrot has an irrational hatred - phones. The size, shape, and style are unimportant. If it's a phone, or if you're a person carrying a phone, she attacks.

A brief survey around the Vat19 offices revealed that pretty much everyone has at least one strong, irrational hatred:

• People who wear braided belts
• People who wear pantyhose with open-toe shoes
• Creative I-dotters (Though I must confess to agreeing with this one. Why are they wasting so much effort on circles, stars, and hearts? The collective wasted efforts of the creative i-dotters could have cured world hunger by now).
• People with ribbon magnets on their cars
• People named Holly.


Do you have any completely irrational beliefs? Would you switch jobs to avoid working with a guy who has salt and pepper hair? Would you duck behind doorways to avoid making conversation with a co-worker who drives a Volkswagen? Leave your irrational dislikes in the comments.

The other day I was searching the internet for new, stylish glasses when I stumbled upon this contraption. Now I have seen some strange things in my day, but this is by far the most ridiculous "invention" I have ever seen. These pierced eyeglasses, invented by James Sooy and Oliver Gibson, make me wonder who would actually think THIS is a good idea?



For a quick how-to when making your own pair, (And yes, they're serious) first you need to pierce the upper bridge of your nose with a threaded barbell. Then, get L-shaped metal pieces made so that they can screw onto the barbell. Last, attach rare earth magnets to the glasses to keep them connected to the brackets.

And there you have it folks. I don't know about you, but I'm all about getting a hole drilled into my face to look cool. Sounds pleasant, doesn't it?

Have you ever loved an animal so much that you wanted to be able to hug it all the time? Well, how about wear it....all the time? I stumbled across this book

This book actually teaches you how to collect your dog's fur and spin it into a yarn-like material suitable for knitting. But don't worry, if you don't like the color of your pet's fur, there's a chapter all about dying the fur to your desired color. It also explains how to take care of the clothing once you are done knitting. I wonder if a Golden retriever is hand-wash only?

If you like this idea, there is a site that shows you just how to spin your own yarn. Just make sure to complete step 1 thoroughly. "Clean the entire amount of dog hair again with a mild liquid detergent or dog shampoo and lay it out to dry." You don't want any fleas to get mixed in there!

However, for those of you who are not into the whole create-your-own-yarn fad, you can have it made for you! VIP Fibers is a company that will spin the hair into 100% animal hair yarn! Simply save all your dog's hair and send it in. Somehow this whole idea freaks me out a bit. I love my pets and all, but I'm not about to go wear his shedded dead hair. Ew. I guess it's really no different though than wearing wool sweaters. Apparently Chow chow fur sweaters can go for upwards of $600.

Now for all you cat-lovers out there, fret not. You can make clothing from cat hair as well. Suzanne Owen, a woman from Lakewood, Colorado made her own cat hair cardigan sweater. How lovely is this?

I just have one thing to say. When my cat gets wet, he smells bad, so watch out for them rainstorms!

Most people who venture into the world of online dating are perfectly happy with something like Match.com or eHarmony (despite the fact the eHarmony is well-known for rejecting people for things like homosexuality or lack of religion). You take 1800 pictures of yourself, choose the two that make you look halfway normal, write a few words about how you like funny people who love life, and you're off.

But what about the people who won't find their matches on Match.com? Although I've never really been on the market during the online dating era, I've certainly enjoyed an evening or two perusing profiles with friends. What I saw was hardly representative of the world as a whole.

Where were the obese, the midgets, and the amputees? What about the inbred cousins looking for cousins, or the guys with one regular arm and one teeny tiny little mutant arm? Or the creepy 65-year-old diaper fetishists with cabins in Everglades and bodies beneath the floorboards? It was truly puzzling.

So puzzling, in fact, that I set out to find the sites that cater to, shall we say, atypical markets. I've detailed my findings below, though I'll warn you now that some of the sites are not safe for work (or your stomach).

Pierced Passions and Tattooed Singles - If you're the type of person who views your body as a canvas, this is the dating site for you.

Best introduction line: Why don't you come back to my place so I can show you my new tatts (or piercing)...

No Longer Lonely - Do you ever wish you could just die? Do you hear voices? Do you ever feel like you just can't get clean enough? No Longer Lonely is the perfect place to find someone equally disturbed. They provide a place for mentally ill people to find their mentally ill partners - and what could possibly go wrong with that?

Best introduction line: Hey baby, what's your medication regimen?

Imagine flipping through a catalogue only to stumble upon the "Rodent Guillotine." That's right. I said guillotine. Stated as "the most humane method to dispense with a subject" somehow doesn't sit right with me. Am I the only one who feels this way?

It boasts a large, stable base, hardened blades for long service, and ambidextrous configuration in the ad - because using a certain hand apparently makes all the difference. Oh, and don't forget, it comes in 3 sizes: small, medium, and large. I don't even want to think about what type of "large" animal ANYONE plans on decapitating.

Sadly though, the most shocking of this whole ad is the price tag. The smallest one comes in at a hefty $495.00 which only has an opening of 1.5 in. by 1.5 in. Poor little Harry the hamster. Never knew what was comin'.

So the next time you need some sort of punishment for that badly-behaving rodent of yours, pick up the Rodent Guillotine. It's sure to be a crowd pleaser.

If you're reading this from a job you're not totally in love with, here's a dose of optimism for you. No matter how bad your job may be, it's probably more pleasant than if you were hired to test the effectiveness one of the following products:

Odor Eaters...




Parachutes...




Insect Repellent...




Athletic Supporters...




Flame Retardant Apparel...




Suppositories...

To the users of this product I ask: If you are drinking a tall boy, are you really the type of girl that needs a prissy koozie?

Maybe women feel better about their vices if they have a cheery and stylish appearance. This polka-dot koozie should be thrown in the trash with all of the other products that are typically thought of as non-ladylike that try to look glam by adding bright colors, prints, fake bling, or something else feminine.

In the trashcan we also have: